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Profit-sees

"Profit-Saint Fayanora's Big Book of Very Vague But True Profit-Sees, Volume One"
(Backstory)

(Words in bold are interpretations of the quatrains. The interpreter is Reverend Fred Fartsalot.)

Chapter One



Quatrain One:

Sneezing camels eating mucus
By the fertile belt bear fruit;
Exciteable apes fight over dead soil;
The camels merely toot.


By carefully studying the numerology of this quatrain, I have determined that it says that something bad will happen in 2017. Lots of people will die. It will happen somewhere near Africa or Asia, and will be a fight about worthless soil. It is obvious that this quatrain is talking about the upcoming World War Three, in which America will drop nuclear bombs on the Middle East. Then a plague that turns everyone into zombies will spread. Osama Bin Laden will take credit for this. A hot woman in a tight suit will save us all.

Quatrain Two:

Once he was a fool at school;
Then he was a knave;
Now tis we who be the fools;
For the country is his slave.


This is an obvious reference to the rise of George W. Bush, and a prediction that he will become the Emperor of the United States. The numerology seems to suggest that he has been posessed by one of the Elder Gods.

Quatrain Three:

Grey birds in a sky of clouds fly free
And swoop and swish and sing;
Splatters of white fall from the heavens;
And land upon the king.


At some point in the future, it seems that atomic bombs painted white will fall from these so called "grey birds" which are really airplanes, and some of them will fall on the leader of a great nation. Now obviously, this refers to Emperor Bush. Sadly, this means Washington DC will be bombed.

Quatrain Four:

Look at all the pretty colors;
I think that I am stoned;
I have to call my mother;
For she will take me home.


According to this prophecy, Islamic terrorists will invade American soil and become our new rulers, forcibly converting everyone to Islam. This is shown by the reference to stoning, the traditional punishment for all crimes in Islamic countries. Since Profit-Saint Fayanora is a Pagan, she is obviously saying that her Heavenly Mother will take her "home." Because, as a prominent Pagan, Fayanora would be one of the first to be stoned to death.

Quatrain Five:

This poem means nothing;
I wrote it in a stupor;
I'll give you twenty bucks;
If you know a better rhyme for "stupor."


This quatrain refers to a period in Saint Fayanora's upcoming life, just before being stoned to death, where she begins to doubt her powers. But in offering money to her oppressors, she shows her kindness and compassion to even the most ruthless of enemies, thus showing the world that there is hope for humanity yet.

Quatrain Six:

No seriously you dumb-ass dude;
They mean nothing at all;
I scribbled these with feces;
On my bathroom wall!


Such will be the power of her visions that she will be so compelled to write them down that she will suffer the indignity of having to write them with her own offal just to bring them into the world. Truly, she is great. Also, this is an obvious reference to the invading hordes of Muslims, who will be riding tame ostriches and wearing bologna on their heads.

Quatrain Seven:

One two three four;
Five six seven;
Eight nine ten;
And eleven.


Apparently, the demon that was infesting George W. Bush will become very angry at the ostrich-riding Muslims and will rain melted swiss down on their heads, scouring the earth clean of all extremists of all religions. There will then be one million years of peace on Earth and we will live at peace with our newly reformed ostrich brethren.

Quatrain Eight:

Bloogily bloggily snot;
Snorkelplex goggle rocks;
Gaseous nomenclature of eleven;
Narf narf narf narf narf!


And they lived happily ever after.

Quatrain Nine:

Oh, I give up! *Joins a nudist colony*


(Follows hir)

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
gkathellar
Aug. 8th, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC)
MONKEYS!
fayanora
Aug. 9th, 2006 05:44 am (UTC)
Now that particular quatrain is obviously a reference to the Evil Monkey Plague that will sweep the world in 2016. Similar to rabes, but airborne and without the swelling of the throat, it will make primates of all kinds (even humans) have an unquenchable bloodlust in which those infected will rip open the jugular vein of their victims and drink the blood that pours forth. The only cure will come after the swiss cheese rains down on us all.
gkathellar
Aug. 9th, 2006 06:46 am (UTC)
NOOBA NOOBA SHABINGLE!

All bow before the all knowing, the all mighty SHEEBLENEEBLE!
fayanora
Aug. 9th, 2006 09:05 am (UTC)
This quatrain reveals that in the year 2009, scientists will discover that the chemical composition of fruitcake is actually closer to that of solid concrete than it is to either fruit or cake.
gkathellar
Aug. 9th, 2006 01:17 pm (UTC)
Sheebleneeble, you know, means EVERYTHING.

Just like cats. They also mean everything.

So next time, try Snowball the Cat's Hot Dogs!

"Everything ... on a bun!"
consortofvenus
Aug. 9th, 2006 02:49 am (UTC)
It's a spicery meat-a ball.
fayanora
Aug. 9th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
OH NO! METEORS OF MEAT WILL RAIN DOWN ON US IN THE YEAR 2017!!!
scwizard
Aug. 9th, 2006 03:06 am (UTC)
/me applauds
consortofvenus
Aug. 12th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
Woodaroots and spoodaboots
She did rename the flan
Could the baboobs?

Thusly her dialoge spanned
Across purple tomato fields
Weidling cans of fruit role ups and spam
consortofvenus
Aug. 12th, 2006 07:12 pm (UTC)
baboons*
consortofvenus
Aug. 12th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
And it was spot on
And it caught on
And where did that spam go?
Philosophers they do believe
That green tea and lemonades
And pink spleens of dandaliens
Decided that the sky really was just blue
fayanora
Aug. 14th, 2006 02:13 am (UTC)
DISCORDIAN POETRY CONTEST!

Cheesehead logorythyms and cantaloupe scat,
Phoenix droppings stuffed in bat;
Elephants in sexy clothes eating tangerines,
Fish slaves in the water, I call sub marines.
consortofvenus
Aug. 14th, 2006 03:40 am (UTC)
But where did the stove get named
Was there a flu of epic lands
I did so ask prophets of crabs
Because he did so speak an across borders of flab

It was in this flab
That I hailed a cab
And snapped my underwear lining
So the mushroom caps could decline
My invitation
fayanora
Aug. 14th, 2006 03:47 am (UTC)
Fudgies in my underroos
Have nothing for to drink
Except the keg of beer
I left stopped up in the sink.

Beat my giant billabong
So hard it makes me spout
And I will give you candy stains
That never will come out.

Forever more the wastrels sing
Of fudgies in my pants;
But if I lived so dangerously,
I'd never learn to dance.
consortofvenus
Aug. 14th, 2006 04:15 am (UTC)
Stagnant cones of fire
Oh they do perspire
Because when the cooties come around
Johhny Cash will enter the scene
And without a sound

But I've been lying
Because stomach lining never prospers
And how do you like my freestyling
It's how I do when the chaos moves me woopididoo
fayanora
Aug. 14th, 2006 04:48 am (UTC)
Pantomiming from the heat,
Sweating like the oldies;
Stinking like my sister's feet,
And twice or thrice as moldy!

Forsooth the emasculated balls
Swing both to and fro!
For no one could ever build up walls
That nuts could fear to go.

Indians in cowboy hats
And fixing my PC
Could never hope to beat the bats
At smoking PVP.

Cannibals are eating me
And drinking gnomish farts
I just lost a bladder full of pee
And several missing parts.
consortofvenus
Aug. 14th, 2006 05:03 am (UTC)
They did it so devilishly
They reveled in an entire
cup of Nirvana's missfire
Because it did fall into the wrong hands
And the balls of crumbs sprung up spanning time imeasurable
Inconsequensial dreams of cups of vermooth
Interspectual electric bowls of fruit
These are we we loook foward to
When the angels and demons make stew
fayanora
Aug. 14th, 2006 05:23 am (UTC)
Electric kiwis bearing
The fruits of their labor
Spring up with joy.

HUZZAH!
consortofvenus
Aug. 14th, 2006 05:09 am (UTC)
what we**
fayanora
Aug. 14th, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
See my latest update!
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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