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Opus Van De Oplicter poems

"Opus Van De Oplicter," or "Work Of The Scammer," is a psedonym under which I write funny, nonsensical poems. Here are two:

"Unconditional Love"
By = Opus Van De Oplicter

I had some tea with one of me,
It wasn't quite delicious;
My tea was much like bloody pee
And the crumpets were atrocious!

"Fine chap," quoth I with much distaste,
"Your tea is growing fur;
The crumpets feel like spoiled paste
And I heard your teacup purr."

"Well," said I with anger hot,
"Could you do it any better?
The tea was three years in its pot,
But the crumpets, they were wetter!

"I had to bake the crumpets up,
But my oven, it was broke;
I tried to cook them in a cup,
And all I got was smoke!

"My microwaves were all too small
And launched them into space!
I tried to cook some in a ball
And nearly lost my face!

"I tried to cook them many ways
And each time sorely failed;
I tried and tried for many days
And nearly went to jail!

"Then the teapot caught on fire
And started belching flames!
By that time my ire
Got tired of these games.

"So there you are, my other self,
Try to best me if you will!
But I'm no goddamn Keebler elf,
So eat and drink my swill!"

"Well," I said with pity grand,
"A toast, then, to your life."
I drank his tea and took his hand
And took him as my wife.


"Animals Are Not Piñatas"
By = Opus Van De Oplicter

I got my head stuck in a pigeon;
I'm not quite sure what I did
To get my head stuck in a pigeon,
But I found ten pounds and a quid.

I got my arm stuck in a fox;
I'm not quite sure what I did
To get my arm stuck in a fox,
But I found a ten pound squid.

I got my legs trapped in an otter;
I'm not quite sure what I did
To get my legs trapped in an otter,
But I found a three pound kid.

I have my other arm stuck in a turtle;
God knows I wish I didn't!
Stuck in a pigeon, fox, an otter, and turtle,
I don't want to know how I did it.

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