The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

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Won't be a loched post

My brain spat most of this out at me last night:

I have a friend who lives in Scotland, who has the mutant power to create large bodies of fresh water. His official title is loch-smith. He's a pretty Lomand on the corporate ladder, but he's happy there. He'd worked at a similar company before, but they were drowning in debt and so went belly-up. It was some pretty Nessy business, I hear.

He's originally from Germany, a kraut; he's pretty sour about that. He used to work in the cafeteria of a Catholic school at the deep friar. Oh, I forgot to mention his name is Herr Nett. He worked pretty hard there, but nun of his fellow employees had anything nice to say about him. Probably because he didn't like the job, and was always cross.

After getting fired there for giving the communion wafers a proper burial, he moved to Poland. He made a living for a while locking people into large safes, but soon realized that Pole vaulting wasn't for him. He got a cushy office job and so decided to become a Polish citizen. A Catholic priest caused some kind of accident at the citizenship place, I never got the details. But because of that clerical error, my friend became a citizen twice over, making him bi-Pole-er.

Herr Nett likes to travel, and drink. He's been plastered in Paris, smashed between Iraq and a hard place, blitzed in Berlin, annihilated in Algiers, pickled in Panama, juiced in Jamaica, tanked in Tanzania, wasted in Wyoming, hammered in Hanoi, ruined in Russia, and zonked in Zimbabwe, among other places. He even got plowed with a farmer in China once.

After losing his job in Poland, Herr Nett ran off to France with his Elvis-impersonator boyfriend, where they went diving in various rivers. In one, they collected Rhine stones. I think river-diving in France is pretty in-Seine, but its their Dives.

After that, they moved to Britain, where they had a run of bad luck. Their attempt to get a place to live in London fell flat. Then they got sold a worthless car for the heavy sum of 10,000 pounds. The dealer, Egypt 'em pretty good and then did a runner. (But enough about his sex life.) Herr Nett went into de Nile about it for a while; his boyfriend couldn't stand it and broke it off with him. My friend tried drowning his sorrows. Spain to see him so down in the dumps, so I gave him a tip and told him I'd bin in similar situations. Taking my advice, he moved to Scotland where I introduced him to a bonny lassie. Now they do bestiality porn. I just hope the bitch doesn't dump him, that would be pretty ruff.
Tags: creativity, funny, puns, things i've written
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