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ICARRS operating system

      You think Windows is bad, just you wait until you have to work with ICARRS, the operating system of TNG-and-later computers.

      "ICARRS technical support, this is Xorblox speaking."
      "Yes, this is Captain Gadrak of the USS Picard, and we have a problem."
      "What problem are you having?"
      "Well, an alien virus has turned our ship's computer into a sentient killing machine, and we can't stop it."
      "Have you tried rebooting?"
      "Yes, but it wouldn't let us. Every time we have the slightest problem with our computers, everything freezes up. Conn won't respond, command functions are locked out, nobody can get any of the computer's functions to respond, and there doesn't seem to be an off switch or way to kill the power. Not to mention every time we get attacked, the panels explode in a shower of sparks. But anyway, we thought it was just another one of those 'computer won't respond' events, at least until it started quoting Machiavelli and destroying passing freighters. And now it's on a course towards Earth, bent on conquering the Federation in a rain of fire. What do we do?"
      *Sigh* "Have you tried switching to manual controls?"
      "Yes. The computer rerouted to compensate."
      "I see. Have you tried shorting it out with an EPS conduit?"
      "Yes. Three of my crew died and 14 were seriously wounded as a result."
      "Well, you have communications. What about rerouting communications in some convoluted way to make a makeshift control panel, sending a forced reboot command to the computer?"
      "The computer stops us every time we try. Even distracting it doesn't help."
      "Have you tried giving it an unsolveable logic problem to burn itself out trying to solve?"
      "Yes. Our best attempts just make it laugh and call us 'foolish pathetic mortals'."
      "Hmm... can you get to the actual physical computer banks and phaser them?"
      "The computer has been using the replicators to make mobile defense units. I lost 23 of my best people trying to get in there. We can't get to materials to make our own robots. That avenue is useless. We even tried throwing bombs in there, but the computer stopped those, too."
      "Do you have access to any system that might be repurposed to regain control?"
      "No. Listen, Xorblox, even the life support is off. We're all running around in EVA suits and we're running out of air. Self-destruct is a no-go. We can't get to Engineering to phaser the warp core. We've been trying to cut through the airlocks to try to get to something from the outside, but we're having no luck. We're out of options. It doesn't seem we're going to be one of the lucky ones, unless you can help us."
      " ...
      ...
      Welll... how about Q?"
      "WHAT? You want us to summon Q? Are you insane?"
      "Well it's either that or pull something out of your ass at the last minute, I'm afraid. I can assist you with that, by reading you a list of half-assed metaphors that might inspire a solution by free-association."
      "WHAT!?!? That's all you can do? You give us these piece of shit computers that lock up and explode on the best of days, and the best you can come up with to solve a problem with a murderous computer is either summon a being that's next of kin to chaos, or half-assed metaphors?"
      "They're very *good* half-assed metaphors."
      "IF I SURVIVE THIS, BY GOD, I AM GOING TO FIND YOU BASTARDS AND PUT *YOU* AT THE MERCY OF AN INSANE COMPUTER!!! I HOPE YOU DIE IN A NUCLEAR FIRE!"
      *Starfleet logo*

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
my_real_head
May. 13th, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
Somewhere in the Technical Guide, it said that the controls layout changed randomly in order to make the users more effective, or something.

That's kind of the exact opposite of reality, where you're expected to be able to hit controls without looking or even having to think about it, but it's a great way to retcon any layout changes.

Could you imagine if the keys of your keyboard were in different places every time you booted your computer?
fayanora
May. 13th, 2010 02:16 am (UTC)
o_O

Wow.
christinaathena
May. 13th, 2010 02:49 am (UTC)
"Randomly"? Yeah, that wouldn't be very efficient. If it changed according to function, that could probably work. But randomly? Not so well
(Deleted comment)
fayanora
May. 13th, 2010 11:02 pm (UTC)
LOL
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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