The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective
fayanora

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This lifetime is too hard.

This lifetime is extremely frustrating for me. I feel like a highschool freshman who's suddenly awoken from sleep to find myself back in kindergarten, and the teacher is missing, everyone's fighting, and no one listens to me. Every day gets worse, and just when I think it's gotten better and the CWG messages have sunk in and I'm feeling happy, is when something happens to make me realize how bad it is.

I came into this lifetime with a seeming instinct for the Truth. I always knew just how people should act, and expected everyone to act this way. I knew people should be free and kind and loving, and expected everyone to be like this. After all, my parents were this way. And my peers... I didn't know what they were like, because I wasn't interested in socialization until around kindergarten. So imagine my surprise when someone I counted as a friend gave me my first taste of betrayal. And it just went downhill from there. It's no wonder that I suppressed myself and the Truth so much the more I went in school, and retreated into an inner world of my own making. If it hadn't been for my parents, I might have become autistic... I heard somewhere a theory that autistic kids become that way because the world is too much chaos for them to deal with. I guess my past is why I'm so messed up. My personality feels like it's being held together with scotch tape and chewing gum sometimes, and I often wonder if I'm developing Multiple Personality Disorder or just plain going nuts.

I'm also a natural empath, and always have been. But given how much trouble it's giving me now (negative emotions I pick up on more strongly than any other), I'm kind of glad I suppressed that Gift in school. I had my own negative emotions to deal with, without feeling others' as well. Half the time these days I don't know where my emotions begin and other peoples' begin.

For me, trying to fathom the behaviors of other human beings feels like trying to understand an alien species that have almost nothing in common with me. I guess I must be a true innocent, like The Epic of Nahtahdjaiz tells about, only I didn't lose it completely, and it was reborn some years ago. I suppose I was born knowing how life is supposed to work, and now I can't seem to make THIS life work because no one else is co-operating. Or at least, not enough people are.

The frustration mounts every day. Even the most open-minded, open-hearted, and enlightened souls seem to not understand. Things I consider to be common sense are shared by only a tiny percentage of people I've fought hard to locate. Even you all here are probably not part of said percentage. No offense, but there it is all the same.

I have largely cut off my access to the news. I don't watch it on TV, not even the Daily Show anymore. It's just too depressing, and adds to the frustration that mounts day in and day out. I don't even read most news articles people send me in the email anymore, because it's all the same... humanity is going to Hell in a handbasket and doesn't seem to care enough to even ask collectively if there is another way, much less to listen to those who know that there is. "The teacher went away because we're bad kids," about sums up what I hear humanity saying. Even those who are pondering other ways have lots of work to do, myself included. The illusion of seperation is strong here... so I try to tell people (if I think of it) that they are God, locally manifested.

It's gotten so bad that today on the way home from work (a rather long drive), I started sobbing my eyes out and screaming in sorrow and anger against this species, this planet, and against my life. I was resisting doing so, because I was afraid I'd be unable to see where I was going, but Shao'Kehn finally got the dam to burst.

Like I told Her, what's especially frustrating is that I can't even find the inner peace God talks about in CWG. I know it's the first step to changing the world, but I can't find it. We were having a discussion, before I broke down, about this... She just kept telling me the same thing over and over again (about how being comes before doing), but was unable to satisfy me, because what I kept demanding was the practical, detailed information about HOW to do it that I have come to expect from Her. She's always been able to run me through detailed how-to plans for problems I have had, until now. And, as I told her, I felt this was insufficient, because I've tried and tried and tried again to find this inner peace, and haven't been able to hold onto it for more than a week at a time. And when I do, it feels like I'm lying to myself.

The point of all this? Hell, I don't know. I'm just venting and thinking aloud.

Chaotic Blessings;
---Fayanora
Tags: angst, issues, my aspects, my self, rants, religion, spirituality
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