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This lifetime is too hard.

This lifetime is extremely frustrating for me. I feel like a highschool freshman who's suddenly awoken from sleep to find myself back in kindergarten, and the teacher is missing, everyone's fighting, and no one listens to me. Every day gets worse, and just when I think it's gotten better and the CWG messages have sunk in and I'm feeling happy, is when something happens to make me realize how bad it is.

I came into this lifetime with a seeming instinct for the Truth. I always knew just how people should act, and expected everyone to act this way. I knew people should be free and kind and loving, and expected everyone to be like this. After all, my parents were this way. And my peers... I didn't know what they were like, because I wasn't interested in socialization until around kindergarten. So imagine my surprise when someone I counted as a friend gave me my first taste of betrayal. And it just went downhill from there. It's no wonder that I suppressed myself and the Truth so much the more I went in school, and retreated into an inner world of my own making. If it hadn't been for my parents, I might have become autistic... I heard somewhere a theory that autistic kids become that way because the world is too much chaos for them to deal with. I guess my past is why I'm so messed up. My personality feels like it's being held together with scotch tape and chewing gum sometimes, and I often wonder if I'm developing Multiple Personality Disorder or just plain going nuts.

I'm also a natural empath, and always have been. But given how much trouble it's giving me now (negative emotions I pick up on more strongly than any other), I'm kind of glad I suppressed that Gift in school. I had my own negative emotions to deal with, without feeling others' as well. Half the time these days I don't know where my emotions begin and other peoples' begin.

For me, trying to fathom the behaviors of other human beings feels like trying to understand an alien species that have almost nothing in common with me. I guess I must be a true innocent, like The Epic of Nahtahdjaiz tells about, only I didn't lose it completely, and it was reborn some years ago. I suppose I was born knowing how life is supposed to work, and now I can't seem to make THIS life work because no one else is co-operating. Or at least, not enough people are.

The frustration mounts every day. Even the most open-minded, open-hearted, and enlightened souls seem to not understand. Things I consider to be common sense are shared by only a tiny percentage of people I've fought hard to locate. Even you all here are probably not part of said percentage. No offense, but there it is all the same.

I have largely cut off my access to the news. I don't watch it on TV, not even the Daily Show anymore. It's just too depressing, and adds to the frustration that mounts day in and day out. I don't even read most news articles people send me in the email anymore, because it's all the same... humanity is going to Hell in a handbasket and doesn't seem to care enough to even ask collectively if there is another way, much less to listen to those who know that there is. "The teacher went away because we're bad kids," about sums up what I hear humanity saying. Even those who are pondering other ways have lots of work to do, myself included. The illusion of seperation is strong here... so I try to tell people (if I think of it) that they are God, locally manifested.

It's gotten so bad that today on the way home from work (a rather long drive), I started sobbing my eyes out and screaming in sorrow and anger against this species, this planet, and against my life. I was resisting doing so, because I was afraid I'd be unable to see where I was going, but Shao'Kehn finally got the dam to burst.

Like I told Her, what's especially frustrating is that I can't even find the inner peace God talks about in CWG. I know it's the first step to changing the world, but I can't find it. We were having a discussion, before I broke down, about this... She just kept telling me the same thing over and over again (about how being comes before doing), but was unable to satisfy me, because what I kept demanding was the practical, detailed information about HOW to do it that I have come to expect from Her. She's always been able to run me through detailed how-to plans for problems I have had, until now. And, as I told her, I felt this was insufficient, because I've tried and tried and tried again to find this inner peace, and haven't been able to hold onto it for more than a week at a time. And when I do, it feels like I'm lying to myself.

The point of all this? Hell, I don't know. I'm just venting and thinking aloud.

Chaotic Blessings;
---Fayanora

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
go4baroque
Aug. 29th, 2005 10:10 am (UTC)
I very much share your perspective on early experiences. It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that other humans could be intentionally cruel... this was entirely foreign to me as a young child. It still baffles me, frankly, because while I accept that people are this way I still have no real understanding of it.

For me, the best antidote to the kind of despair you describe is to take time to observe humans being good to one another. Crises often bring out the best in us.

I was on the Chicago el train a couple weeks ago and we had an small fire related to an electrical problem. We ended up having to disembark and then pile into another train. Wonder of wonders, people were helping one another up and down the stairs (the trains aren't really designed to exit to the ground, so they have fairly tricky little ladders you have to negotiate). The train was surrounded by firemen who were obviously concerned with our welfare. The people on the train laughed and joked with one another.

I left the scene not frustrated by the mishap but rather heartened by the love and camaraderie that we humans can show for one another.
fayanora
Aug. 30th, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC)
Yes, such love is instinctual, it's a shame more people don't realize that and act on it. It's only when our false beliefs about the world get in the way that we act like idiots.
go4baroque
Aug. 29th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC)
>>being comes before doing

Hmmm, I don't know that I completely agree with that statement. CwG says there are Three Levels of Action: Thought, Word, and Deed. I myself find in life that they can work in both directions. If you state certain things ("I'm an idiot," for instance), indeed you will find yourself believing that. If you take the time to play with a dog or a child, chances are you will find yourself thinking differently about the world.

How would you behave if you possessed inner peace? Would you move gracefully and flowingly, and give others a tranquil look while wishing them well? Would you breathe slowly and evenly?

And what would happen if you did these things even when you didn't feel completely composed?

And why do you feel the need to "hold on" to inner peace? Did trying to hold it keep it any closer to you, or did it simply make your perceived separation from it more painful?

Here's one of my favorite quotes from the Tao Te Ching:

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

>>I kept demanding was the practical, detailed information about HOW to do it

...which brings another passage to mind (actually, the first few lines of the Tao Te Ching):

The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

What this tells me is this: that whenever you try to boil Divine Reality into a set of "how-to" steps, you are abstracting one level from that Divine Reality. You are distilling a set of specific instances from that Reality.

The act of distilling is one simplifying/purifying, but also of excluding. When you distill something, what you get is very pure and potent (as are Shao'Kehn's steps).

But you have also eliminated things. Thus, the distillate is not the All.

Another way of approaching this is to think of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. You can know the position of a particle, or its direction... but not both simultaneously. Why? Because it is embedded in a dynamic system that cannot be encapsulated in a single moment, just as Reality cannot be encapsulated in a series of steps.

Don't take just my word for it... ask Shao'Kehn or other sources and see what they say.
fayanora
Sep. 22nd, 2005 05:00 pm (UTC)
fayanora
Sep. 23rd, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
You know you replied anonymously, right?
fayanora
Aug. 30th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
Oh my goodness, you have no idea... that whole post spoke to me on so many levels, tying in with previous information. For one, I LOVE the Tao Te Ching, and own a tiny little copy that I carry with me at all times. And I have a poetry book I wrote at lulu.com called "Heisenberg's Hand." Here is something from the cover:

" 'Heisenberg's Hand' is a book of poems I wrote about pain and struggle, heartbreak and depression. But it?s also about hope, survival, and love. The name refers to Heisenberg?s Uncertainty Principle, which states that the more precisely the location of a particle is known, the more uncertain we become about its momentum. I think this can apply to life, as well... the more precisely you know where you are, the more unsure you are of where you?re going and how fast."

Much of what you've said Shao'Kehn and CWG have also told me. I guess I've just been dense.

Thanks for being another reminder. :-)
(Anonymous)
Sep. 23rd, 2005 09:49 am (UTC)
Thank you for the notification!
Thanks for the extra notification--I've been job-hopping (temping) and lost track of your lj, so I didn't know that you'd replied.

Dense? Nah. There's so much that I've read, and even seemingly learned... only to forget them somehow when things get tough. CwG says that we are all omniscient beings (or rather, part of one omniscient reality) that choose to forget that in order to experience life.

Forgetting things we've already learned in this life is maybe just a process that encourages us to turn to one another for support!

I haven't posted or even visited LJ for a long time due to my busy-ness. I will have to look for your poems at the site you quoted.

I looked up, printed, and posted 2 William Stafford poems today. Do you know his stuff? I first encountered his poem that begins:

"Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into..."

Wonderful stuff. I just went through a period where my life's river really did feel like ice, and I've been quietly observing the current flow thru it.

I encountered his poetry through the writings of Parker J. Palmer, who writes about his struggle with 2 bouts of clinical depression. I find his work very inspiring.
fayanora
Sep. 23rd, 2005 02:45 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you for the notification!
If you like poems about depression, I have a whole shitload of those poems in my poetry book "Heisenberg's Hand" available through Lulu.com. Poems like "Writhe," "Human Stain," "Albatross," and "Ocean of Regrets."
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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