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Peculiar development

I've been feeling a kind of apathy lately that's hard to explain. Usually when I feel apathy, I feel apathy. This time, I don't. Like I said, hard to explain. *Thinks* It's like, the usual kind of apathy I feel is from being emotionally burned out and/or repressing my emotions. This time is different. For the last few days I've been feeling almost normal. I don't know where the negative feelings have gone, and they don't feel like they're being repressed. I can usually sense when The Breaker has switched off my emotions, or shunted them behind a wall. Now whenever I've looked around I haven't seen any of the usual signs of my usual inner workings.

Put another way, apathy for me is usually a form of denial or numbness, either I'm pretending to not care or I'm worn out from caring but still care enough to keep the worn out feeling going. Now it's like I literally don't care one way or another anymore. Lately when I think about my situation, and how I should be doing more to fix it, it's with a detached sort of "Hmm, I should be doing such-and-such." I still can't get the energy or willpower to do these things, but it feels different now. Where before it had a note of depression to it, now it's as though I'm thinking about something completely unimportant. Like you might feel if you saw a piece of paper on the ground outside; you might momentarily think, "Oh, I should pick that up," but you don't, saying to yourself, "Nah, it's too far away; besides, it's bio-degradeable." The thoughts about my situation and how my life is going now feel like they have no more importance to me than considering picking up a piece of litter.

Thinking back, I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I think this is my first experience with true apathy.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
christinaathena
Jan. 19th, 2010 01:52 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I've been there. During my breakdown, even just getting up out of bed to, say, check the mail required a huge effort of will. I spent 20+ hours a day just sitting in bed. Only getting up to eat or go to thebathroom, or get on the computer when my one online friend at the time would show up. I went probably months between showers.
shadowsculptor
Jan. 19th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
I've been feeling a bit of that lately too. It's like all emotions just turn off, you feel hollow, detached. Going through the motions but not really there for the experience.

Hugs
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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