"A Very Scary Xmas"
By = Tristan A. Arts
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was sleeping, not even a mouse.
The crosses and garlic are hung 'round with care,
In hopes that Satan Claws would never be there.
For he rapes all the children asleep in their beds,
Then with a red chainsaw cuts off their heads.
The parents he kills with his hands like a snap,
And on their corpses, he takes a crap.
Then out on the lawn will arise such a clatter
As he kills everyone who comes to see what's the matter.
And at your window, you'll see a brief flash
As the entire city gets nuked into ash.
The moon turns red and what looks like snow
Falls on the terrorized people below.
And what to your horrified eyes should appear,
But a sleigh playing Slayer, and eight monstrous "reindeer."
With a driver so ugly he'd make maggots sick,
You'd know in an instant it must be Old Nick.
More rapid than vultures his monsters they came,
And he roared like a beast, and called them by name!
"Now Basher! Now Cancer! Now Trancer and Nixon!
On Vomit! On Stupid! On Donner and Shitzen!
One ring to find them! One ring rules them all!
Now fly away! Find new prey! Fly away all!"
Verily did his monstrous beasts fly,
To find new prey, they took to the sky.
So to new housetops the monsters they flew,
With "toys" made for carnage, and Old Nick too.
Just then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each monstrous hoof.
As I loaded my shotgun, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Old Nick came with a bound.
He was covered in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his fangs were all tarnished the color of soot.
A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,
And he smelled like a horse's ass all smeared with crap.
His eyes were empty and red as a cherry!
His cheeks were like rose thorns, his nose just scary!
His troll-like mouth was drawn up in a sneer;
I dare you to look and not piss from your fear.
A plumbing-type pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And it broke as he bit down, drew a sword from its sheath.
He had a broad face attached to his belly,
That laughed, when I shook like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, having just eaten an elf,
And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a bash of my head,
Gave me to know that I soon would be dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And killed my whole family, then paused to "jerk."
Then pausing to stomp and piss on my nose,
He gave me his sod, then up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a roar,
And away they all flew like a winged wild boar.
I heard him cry out, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
Then the last thing I saw was a quick flash of light.