The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

*Le sigh*

Cross-posted from polyamory:

All my life I've been poly, and even as a kid I never understood the whole "marry one person!!!" and "jealousy" concepts. Truth be told, I never really understood the concept of marriage. True, my own parents had a great marriage (still do, for the most part), but I could never really reconcile the popular idea of marriage with what my parents had/have. With them, it's more like they're best friends living together. The fact that they're married seems superfluous... they're together because they want to be, not because they're bound together. I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

Anyway, I also see marriage as something requiring passion. I've long suspected I could never marry because I never had a lot of passion. Sure, I could get *very* passionate for a few months in a relationship, but then it would fade and become the kind of relationship my parents have - best friends with benefits, basically.

I'm not quite sure what happened, maybe it was a lot of things piling up, but a few years ago I lost passion for my then-girlfriend after a much briefer time than I used to. She had a change of feeling, too, though that was influenced a lot by her medications. Anyway, we officially changed our status to friends, by mutual decision, after being together for a few months.

It's been two years since that change, and I haven't felt passionate romantic love for anyone since. I'm still poly... I have one friend I sometimes have sex with, and another friend on the internet I sometimes do cybersex games with. I love them both, because I'm still capable of love. Just... not romantic love. There's no passion. I even think back on people I still love from my past, and even though I felt strong feelings for them for years after I had anything at all to do with them, all that remains is a general, non-passionate love.

I fell in love deeply and passionately even as a child (usually in the form of unspoken, unrequited crushes that felt like so much more), and with more than one person at a time. I used to have whole lists of people I felt passionately about! Now, nothing. I still feel love, but it's a love that's utterly devoid of passion.

I've been thinking it might have something to do with my depression, but then another part of my mind disagrees, citing the fact that I've been depressed pretty much all my life. I dunno.
Tags: angst, issues
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded