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Celebrity Interview – Maggie McIntosh
By Vick Shunnel
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Announcer: And now on to the show!
Vick Shunnel: Hello and welcome to Celebrity Interview with Vick Shunnel. I’m your host, Vick Shunnel. I have a rare treat for you all, today; I’ll be interviewing Maggie McIntosh, the Grim Reaper who was recently arrested by the ODBI (Omni-Dimensional Bureau of Investigation) in Chicago on charges of being a serial killer. I went to meet her in prison for this historic interview, and she agreed because Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse has a reputation for fair and honest reporting.
Vick Shunnel (VS): *Sits down in front of Maggie McIntosh, who is in handcuffs.* Welcome, Ms. McIntosh. I’m Vick Shunnel.
Maggie McIntosh (MM): *Flutters eyelashes* I know. I read your column regularly, and I’m a member of your fan club. Please, call me Maggie.
VS: Wow… a Grim Reaper as a member of my fan club. I don’t know whether to be flattered or worried.
MM: *Rolls eyes* There’s no need to worry, Mr. Shunnel. The ODBI’s charges are ridiculous. Grim Reapers don’t kill people, Death does. We just guide people to the other side. And I’m a *Discordian* Grim Reaper! I just guide the souls of deceased Discordians, Pastafarians, SubGenii, atheists with a sense of humor, and people who kill others in the name of their religion.
VS: Please, call me Vick.
MM: Okay, Vick.
VS: So a Discordian Grim Reaper, eh? Isn’t that a contradiction of terms?
MM: *Laughs* Yeah, we didn’t pick the title, Eris did. Her wacky sense of humor.
VS: So, getting back on topic here, what does Death look like?
MM: *Shrugs* No idea. Eris says Death doesn’t even have a personality or a gender, let alone an actual form.
VS: So it’s just a formless force?
MM: Indeed. Couldn’t arrest it if you wanted to. It’s beyond good and evil. And, from what I’ve been told, if it weren’t for Death, the whole universe would implode.
VS: Fascinating. So why do people who kill others in the name of their religion end up in the Discordian Afterlife?
MM: Well they didn’t used to, but the other Gods eventually got very fed up with them. Sending them to Hell didn’t usually do much good, since a lot of them were closet masochists, deriving pleasure from suffering for their faith. So the Gods finally decided it would be a laugh to let the Discordian Reapers have them.
VS: And why’s that?
MM: Well, think about it. You have a person who kills in the name of their God. If that God told them in person how much they disapprove, those idiots become convinced it’s a trick of the Devil. Send them to Hell and they consider it a test of their faith, like Job. Give them something unexpected, like the Discordian Afterlife, and they get very confused and don’t know what to make of it. And confusion is good for minds like that; forces them to think, even to question their beliefs. I mean, think about it; they go to their deaths thinking there’s only two options: Heaven or Hell. They’ve already figured out how to justify either option to themselves. Give them a totally unexpected option, though, and it throws them for a loop.
VS: Sounds very effective.
MM: It’s about 90% effective. And even when it’s not effective, the results are hilarious! I’ve been told by Eris that the Gods that don’t want them get as much of a laugh at the results as we do.
VS: The Gods have a sense of humor? Even the Christian God?
MM: Especially the Christian God. He was a bit of a pissy sonofabitch during the Old Testament days, but that’s just because He woke up on the wrong side of the cosmos that morning. I’ve met Him, He’s mellowed out a lot. Makes sense, really; despite what Christians have thought, and continue to think, Jesus doesn’t condone a lot of their shit. Jesus was the originally hippy. But the whole sorry affair of the religion he sparked split him in two. There’s a version of him in Heaven that’s happy and mellow and just as cool as he was before his crucifixion. Then there’s the half that lives on Earth, who is depressed, alcoholic, and drug addicted. Or at least he *was*. Last I heard, he was in rehab.
VS: Well, I hate to change the topic, but I can already hear the Far Right’s slobbering hordes clawing the door after our blood. (Pssst… Mike! The tranquilizer guns are in the janitor’s closet.) So I’d like to know, how long have you been a Grim Reaper?
MM: Not very long, actually. I was born in 1960. I was 21 years old when some very nasty men killed me for being transsexual. Then I –
VS: Wait, sorry, but… you’re transsexual? Wow! I never would have guessed! You look nothing like a male.
MM: Why thanks. One of the benefits of being dead, and a Reaper. I got to choose my form. Anyway, after I was killed, Eris asked me if I would like to become a Grim Reaper. The old Reaper, Angus McBride, was retiring after 1000 years of being a Discordian Grim Reaper. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jesus and God had decided to stop taking people who killed for hateful reasons, which meant that when they finally died, I’d get to reap my murderers’ souls. This tickled me to no end, and was the selling point that made me decide to accept Eris’s offer. I had to wait 10 years for the first one, but it was soooo worth it! I’m still waiting on the other two. Unluckily for them, I don’t look like I did then, but when I reap their souls, I *will*.
VS: So I take it your given name isn’t Maggie McIntosh?
MM: Nope. It was Markus McIntosh. Bleh! I had just gotten it legally changed the week before I was murdered, though. So Maggie McIntosh is my legal name. My lawyer says that there’s only been one other case of someone dead being tried in court and able to actually be there in court to testify, and that was a suicide case. But she doesn’t expect it to go to court; as I said, Grim Reapers don’t kill people, Death does.
VS: Well, Maggie, it’s been fascinating talking with you today, but I’m afraid we’re almost out of time. Anything else you’d like to say before we go?
MM: Well, yes actually. I know my mother is fond of your column, Vick. I want my mother, Jane Austen Tayshus McIntosh, to know that I may be dead, but otherwise I’m pretty healthy, and have a rewarding and satisfying job. My boss is highly eccentric, but She’s a nice lady and fun to work for. Hi Mom! I miss you! But I’ll probably be seeing you soon! Oh, not too soon. Don’t get all worried, now!
VS: Sweet. Well now we have to end our interview, regrettably. It’s been nice meeting you, Maggie.
MM: Likewise, Vick. Goodbye!
We said our final goodbyes, and then the guards took Maggie back to her cell. Such a sweet girl, I hope this ridiculous case gets thrown out soon, so she can get on with her Afterlife.
This has been Vick Shunnel with Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse radio news. Join me next week when I interview Captain Salty Dildo, captain of the infamous pirate ship The Shiny Disco Ball, just returned from his latest adventures on the Ass Sea.