It was a fairly normal morning today I was having, until the green monkeys that live next door began to throw their banana peels at me. Maybe my opera singing displeases them. Anyway, after cleaning up the mess there, I had to placate some pachyderms from Neptune. Why they always fornicate so angrily in my lawn I have no idea, but they make an excellent Pinot Noir.
After wrestling my mother's alligator into submission, I did my daily prayer to the teal cheetah gods of Westminster Abbey, an hour-long ritual that involves flogging and lots of lube. It got a bit noisy towards the end and the neighbors were shocked. That'll teach them to wear aluminum suits out in a thunderstorm. By the way, it was raining cheese. Extra-sharp cheddar, in fact: my favorite! I shoveled it off the sidewalk and froze it in my underpants for later.
Then I went to my garden and noticed that my sirloin trees were molting. It was that time of the month, I guess. Do you have any idea how hard bloodstains are to get out of white cloth? Good thing it was a *Vulcan* sirloin tree. That shirt will now be my new Saint Patty's Day shirt, once I can get the smell out.
All in all, a fairly normal day for me.