December 11th, 2019

Fay Doll still

Obvious in retrospect

I am an empath. I've known this since high school, when I felt a teacher coming toward the room a whole minute before he got to the door because his anger was so powerful, despite such anger being very out of character for him, and there being no way at all I could otherwise have known he was coming until he entered the room.

Something else that had been true from then until now had been that I couldn't shield worth a damn. It always took more energy to keep the shield in place than was worth it, so despite trying again every few weeks, I suffered unduly for 15 or so years from constant empathic overload. It seemed an insurmountable issue.

Because of this, and because it had been getting worse because of my continuing grief over Lily, I went to Powell's today to look at some books about the subject for some ideas. I spent about 5 hours reading through 20 or so possible books and whittling it down to 2 I bought today and 3 more to get next month. More on that later.

While waiting for the bus to go home, I tried one more of my futile shields again, and again was frustrated when it failed. I was especially frustrated because I'm a natural at protection magick, capable of making protection wards that last for weeks before they have to be recharged or recast, and yet I couldn't use the same magick to block out other people's emotions, even though it was my usual magick, that I use for a lot of different things.

But either because something I read in one of the books helped, or something else happened, I suddenly had a revelation. I remembered that my usual magick comes from Djao'Kain, and as such is passionate and fiery. Like, literally it appears to my mind's eye as like, lava and fire in general. And even though I've long assumed She and I are just so linked that we have the same magick, I wondered... what if that's not actually true? What if I can pull magick from one of my other Goddesses?

So with this thought, I then asked myself which one would work best for such a working, and the answer was immediately obvious to me: Thurr, Goddess of Peace, Love, and Tranquility. Not having clue one what to expect of the result or if it would even work, I focused on Thurr and on Her symbol, reached toward Her, grabbed, and pulled.

What came out was... well, it was a sort of bubble made of a substance that looked like someone had woven moonlight into thin, gossamer strands of silk and then woven it into a fabric with a very high thread count. Initially, it glowed bright as a full moon on a cloudless night, and as it faded to a duller moonlight, it began slowly undulating like a cross between a lazy pond and fabric in a light breeze.

The effect was immediate, and I kind of got a bit giddy with how much better I felt without every single emotion in the city washing over me. And the best part is, once it's cast it just... persists. It persists without any effort at all. Not even my usual protection magick is that persistent! That kind of magick manifests briefly as net-like webs of bright, red-orange lines, then dulls, and vanishes from sight while still being there. I can sense it there all the time, but to make it visible again, I have to push at it a little with my Will.

The Thurr shield, though... it takes like, 20 or 30 minutes to stop being visible to my mind's eye. Seriously, I was cooking earlier, my focus solely on cooking, and I could still see it out of the corners of my eyes.

In retrospect, I feel really dense for not realizing that emotions - which are associated with the element of water - would be able to plow through even the strongest attempt at a shield cast with fire magick, because yeah, water can put out fires, and fire resists being molded anyway, whereas water fits itself to its container.

Anyway, so now I can shield at last. Still gonna read those books I bought, they might still be useful. Something about them was calling out to me, practically begging me to take them home.

The first book I got is "The Everyday Empath" by Raven Digitalis.

As to the next book, I really hate the title of it, but its energy called out to me to give it a chance, so I did, and I'm glad I did. The content is good and fits me perfectly. The title is "I Don't Want To Be An Empath Anymore" by Ora North. The subtitle is "how to reclaim your power over emotional overload, maintain boundaries, and live your best life."

There was a third book calling to me, but I didn't buy it because the other two were already $30+ together, so I'll get it next month. ("The Psychic Energy Codex" by Michelle Belanger.) A few more books looked useful too, but they're in the "get later or from the library if possible" pile. ("The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine N. Aron, Ph. D., "The Evolutionary Empath" by Rev. Stephanie Red Feather, Ph. D., and "Esoteric Empathy" by Raven Digitalis.)

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Young Aunt

I volunteer for a program called SMART, wherein I read to two kids at a nearby school (one kid at a time). Today the second kid, an eight year old girl, was trying to tell me about what she thought were her sisters, but I figured out she was talking about the kids of one of her older sisters. So I was like, "If they're your sister's kids, that'd make them your nieces. You're an aunt!" Took me some work to convince her of that, as she thought aunts were only ever the age of her parents, or older. But I was like, "No, it's a word for a way people can be related to each other. No matter your age, if you've got a sister who has kids, and they're girls, they're your nieces, and you're an aunt."

I think I blew her mind, honestly. :D

In other news, it appears my new, functional empathic shield may possibly work better at night than daytime. Still works though, so no complaints.

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