December 1st, 2019


Go full camp!

The only way to make Galactus work as a villain in movies is to go full camp with him. None of this "evil planet-eating space fart" nonsense. Make him the ridiculous, weird, planet-gobbling, purple humanoid giant with a crazy space-pope hat that he is in the comics! It's the only way the character is ever going to work!

I mean seriously, if they pulled that kind of nonsense with other heroes, Marvel would have never become the hit they are today. Take "Guardians of the Galaxy," for instance. That concept is absolutely bat-shit bizarre - a supposedly human kid whose real father is a sentient rogue planet gets abducted by aliens and befriends a walking/talking tree, a talking raccoon, a sexy green alien woman with the progenitor of daddy issues, and a large gray-and-red autistic Machoke ripoff seeking to avenge his murdered family; they then proceed to become space pirates who save the universe from the minions of Evil Grimace (who is basically hunting for a device that'll give him admin privileges to the source code of the universe) simply because they live in that universe - and yet by leaning into that ridiculousness, they made it work!

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My brain torturing itself in its sleep

Settle in, folks, because this one is a wild fucking ride!

I just woke up from a brand new, horrible - nay, abhorrent - kind of dream the likes of which I have not only never experienced, but never even knew was possible. To understand this tale, keep in mind that normally my senses in dreams are predominantly sight and sound, with touch making a rare appearance, usually in sex dreams.

Today, though, I experienced two new senses in a dream: smell and taste. I experienced them in the most horrible way imaginable. Here is the tale:

The dream started out pleasant enough. Me and my family, including my step-grandfather Bob Turnbull, were eating out at a restaurant. There was another family at a table next to ours, consisting of a man, a woman, and their special-needs son who looked 12 but moved like he was a toddler and didn't speak.

A few minutes into the dream, this kid wets himself so thoroughly that I could hear it dribble onto the floor. But I barely had time to process that sound because almost immediately my senses were violently assaulted by the most horrible stench I've ever smelled in my life, something like a mix of stale urine that's someone's been marinating in for a few days, sulfuric acid, and the bittersweet stink of decaying human flesh. Everyone in the room scatters, because this is a stench that forces itself violently into your nose like a hobgoblin and settles down with its wife and kids on your tongue. In the chaos, I pushed Grandpa Bob aside and manage to make it into the bathroom, puking into the sink. Others are not so lucky.

Puking did nothing to get the stench out of my mouth. That whole experience was so traumatizing that I woke myself up to get away from it, though my dreaming mind was worried the smell was real and I was just responding to it in my dream. Thankfully, that was not the case. When I woke up, I couldn't smell anything unusual, and though I could still taste the stink, it was in that same ghostly dream way like you might remember a painful wound in a dream.

But like, seriously what the hell is wrong with my brain that it keeps finding new ways to torment itself in its sleep? First it was dreams in such high definition that I was getting recursive false awakenings bad enough that I was afraid to go to sleep (which stopped years ago), then it was experiencing painful wounds in my sleep that the pain lingered for several minutes once I woke up despite there being no wound, then I was crying in my dreams without actually causing the body to make tears (though I'm pretty sure my face was really squishing itself up, judging by the feel of my face upon waking up), and now I unlocked smell and taste in dreams only for my brain to immediately use this new ability to imagine something that somehow smelled ten times worse than the stink of rotting human flesh. I'm honestly shocked I didn't wake up puking for real.

Given that the kid's parents went down with the rest of us, I can only conclude that the kid was a mutant like in X-Men, and had just manifested his mutant power: the most putrid, vile-smelling urine on the planet; basically a living, breathing violation of the Geneva convention's ban on chemical warfare. Seriously, if you could recreate that stink, you could get hundreds of people at once to vomit til they dry heave. IRL, such a stink would probably make the eyes water, too, and anybody who could manage to stop puking long enough to get up would fight even Robocop himself to get away from it.

I sincerely hope that if my brain chooses to use smell or taste in a dream again, that it does it in some more pleasant way, like the best meal imaginable or something. Hell, use it in a sex dream! Just please, brain, don't ever make me have to experience that stink again!

Anybody else ever experience smell or taste in a dream, or is my autistic brain just finding new ways to outdo itself in the High Weirdness category?

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