October 27th, 2019

mourning

What the goddamn fuck, brain?

Okay, I just had the weirdest fucking dream I have ever had in my entire goddamn life. Weirder than the fever dream that had me sorting Internet data packets for hours on end, weirder than the sienna-and-white story of Satanists living in an Addams Family type house, weirder than the "suddenly dead whales" dream, even. Weirder even than the recursive false awakenings from HD quality dreams. So weird it took me ten minutes on the can just to figure out how to describe it in a way that does the experience justice.

Okay, so imagine you're going through your day and something reminds you of an old childhood trauma of yours, like... PTSD-style triggers you so hard that you start crying.

You recover, you go on with your life. You talk with your shrink about it. In talking about it again, you cry again. But you recover again, and keep talking. Then as you're talking about it with your shrink, details get questioned as shrinks do. But in answering these questions, you eventually start logically picking apart this memory because nothing about it makes any sense. You find out X couldn't have happened when it did because Y, and N and M don't fit together logically; what were the names of the boys who did it to you? Why can't you remember their names? Oh wait, you can't even remember their faces? That's odd.

You keep doing this, and the whole memory just unravels and is revealed to be a fiction. It unravels so damn hard that you go "Wait, this is a fucking DREAM!" and you WAKE UP.

Confused? Let me explain: my dreaming brain INVENTED a childhood trauma that never happened (being grabbed by two boys and they carved something into my skin, and then a related following sequence so damn bizarre I'm not even going to try to explain it), gave itself therapy about the trauma, made itself cry in the dream(1) not once but TWICE, and then in therapy it realized what it had done to itself so hard that it realized it was dreaming and WOKE THE FUCK UP.

And the whole thing was such a non-linear experience that it took me 10 whole minutes on the toilet to figure out how to tell the story. Because I didn't dream the traumatic experience and then go to therapy, no. Nor did I dream a vague sense of unease that sent me to therapy to experience the memory for the first time when the dream me told the tale. No, it felt, in the dream, like that trauma had always been there, the memory had always been there. It felt like I'd been living with that memory, thinking it was real, for YEARS. Being reminded of it now and then for YEARS. It felt like real life. And realizing it was all fake, and all a dream, was like you'd feel now if something I said in this post suddenly made you realize that your entire life was fake and a dream, and you were about to wake up because of it. THAT is how it felt. And THAT is why it's the weirdest goddamn dream I have ever had.

And yes, at some point in the dream I witnessed the events of the memory the way you do in a dream, but I can't for the life of me tell you where in the timeline of the dream that happened. The only possible description that makes sense is like, if my soul witnessed something happen to me from an outside perspective and I could somehow access both my memory of the event and my soul's memory simultaneously without the two ever really coming together until after I woke up. Like two different timelines that didn't fully merge until I woke up.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to get back to sleep now.

1 = Yes, sometimes I cry in dreams. It's every bit as unpleasant as real crying, without the physical side effects. It usually wakes me up when I do. Not immediately; it usually takes what feels like a few minutes. But I've never cried, recovered, cried again, and recovered again. Normally it's 1. Cry for several minutes, building toward the kind of emotional crescendo that can't happen for me in IRL crying, until 2. I get so emotional I wake up for a similar reason as why people wake up from nightmares - too much emotion, must get away.

This was cross-posted from https://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1488040.html
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