August 26th, 2019


Can't think of a subject. Too tired.

In the months since Lily died, I've tried to write poems about her, to express my sorrow or what she meant to me, and I haven't been able to... until today.

Today at Faery Worlds, we had a little memorial ceremony for Lily. We were walking around this lake, trying to find a good place. We kept saying "this place feels kind of right," but kept moving on anyway. Then we said it under this young redwood tree, and it dropped a cone right the second after we said that. Jesse says something like "I think that's a sign?" and it dropped another cone. That decided it. (It didn't drop any others the rest of the time we were there.) We lit some sage to clear a circle, and began our memorial there. Jesse sang a song about his feelings ("Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole). Then he said some words, talking about Lily. I said some things after that, inspired by his words, about how Lily brought me to Portland and how I was basically reborn here, never having truly felt alive before Portland. It was hard to maintain my compsure, so there were tears, and hugs, and more tears. More words, once we stopped crying. Jessica, the third person there, howled like a wounded dog. Jesse did the same; it's a mournful sound, so it fits. And Lily would have approved.

Before leaving, Jesse and I each picked up one of the cones the tree dropped, to take home. Mine is on my altar now, in a prominent spot. Also on the way back, I started composing a song in my head about Lily and her influence on my life, based on some of what I said at the little memorial. I guess I was thinking her spirit was in the redwood, or maybe I just came up with the metaphor while looking up at it and thinking that the big, older ones are like pillars holding up the sky. Because this is what I wrote:

"Redwood My Darling"
by: Fay Anne Aura Arts

Redwood my darling, pillar of the sky,
Redwood my darling, draws up the eye.
Redwood my lover, bringing life and rain,
Redwood the fallen, no more to soothe my pain.

Redwood my family, though not by blood,
Redwood my family, strong through every flood.
Redwood my mother, I was delivered west to live,
Redwood the fallen, her gifts they still do give.

Redwood my refuge, I came in from the storm,
Redwood my refuge, shaped my life into this form.
Redwood my best friend, the first one truly known,
Redwood the fallen, foundation of my home.

Redwood my topsoil, though now forever mute,
Redwood my topsoil, in her life I took root.
Redwood the fallen, though my grief it left me scars,
Thanks to her strength, I can grow up toward the stars.

Note: Lily and I had a kind of Caretaker/little relationship, with her as the caretaker, and me as the little. Her title for that was Maddy (genderless term, portmanteau combinging Mommy and Daddy). My title for that was "kitten."

So yeah, that's an explanation if you were wondering. Plus the mix of lover/mother also ties in with my relationship with my Goddess, Shao'Kehn. I think of Shao'Kehn as my spiritual Mother and Lover. Lily was my Maddy, which is kinda the same thing, on a mortal scale.

Edit: Enjoy. It took me ten times longer to figure out how to upload it than it did to record.

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