January 10th, 2016


Figured something out at last.

I finally figured out something that should have been obvious to me from the start. Background: I have long wondered at other people's ability to recognize me after barely speaking three words with me. For the longest time, it was just this weird mystery. Then I attributed it to me having a shitty memory. Then I figured out about being partially face blind, and I attributed it to that and my memory. But then something happened to me today that finally made me get it.

I was at Albertson's. I went to the deli and got some chicken strips, and while there the guy who was serving me said something, jovially, about being dressed like Harry Potter. I could barely hear him; I'm hard of hearing to begin with, and my head was wrapped in multiple layers of cloth.

Anyway, I went and paid for them, then I was in the Starbuck's area eating, and this guy who looked vaguely familiar came up to me saying Hi in a familiar way. At my look of confusion, he explained we'd met at this free Xmas dinner at the local church, and 2 things happened from that: 1, I knew he wasn't who I'd thought he was, and 2, a part of my mind went "No, I don't buy it; I don't buy that someone can meet a person one time, barely exchange 10 words with them, and recognize them later, no matter how good your memory is."

At that point, as he was leaving, I remembered what the guy at the deli had said; I looked down at myself and realized why so many people remember me so quickly: I am distinctive. My exact words were "I'm the weird androgynous ginger kid that dresses like Harry Potter."

The reasons this was a revelation to me are two-fold: 1. While I have long known that I'm weird, androgynous, and have always dressed outside of the norm, I've always thought that was just the excuse the bullies in my youth had used to pick on me. I thought for so long, despite occasional evidence to the contrary, that they only picked on me after finding out how weird I was, after speaking with me. It didn't occur to me that I stood out so much they spotted me right away and homed in on me.

2. I know what I look like, but I feel disconnected from that reality because nobody in our collective looks like that. Alex is the closest, but has a more masculine face, has no freckles, and is thinner. But two of the main four main front-runners (and one background member) of the collective have brown skin, amber eyes, and black hair: Tempest, Fayanora, and Shao'Kehn. Molly is blond and blue eyed, but tends to shapeshift at times, and Pi and Negarahn aren't even remotely human looking. Not even Ian and Lo look anything like the body, except that Lo is very pale.

Thus the body's appearance, like the name Tristan, is just the identity I was assigned at birth, and we resonate with that identity even less than we resonate with the gender we were assigned at birth. Which now I'm thinking is the final piece we needed to decide to abandon that name altogether. I think I'm going to stop dragging my feet and focus on getting my name legally changed. Granted, the real reason I've been dragging my feet is because there's just so much damn work involved in a legal name change, including telling all the places that need to know about the change. But now I think I might actually have the Will to go to that work.

Especially since I'm not entirely sure that the original personality that inhabited this body is even still alive. I am unsure if Tempest is the personality formerly known as Tristan or not. Given that one was 5 or 6 when xe fled from the world and hid inside xer own mind for the better part of a decade, it's entirely possible the mask we wore to hide how lost xe was, is what became Tempest; it's possible Tristan never came back.

And now for something completely different: Imagine a kitten riding a unicorn while purring adorably.

This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1300710.html
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