The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

Lily again

Talking about Lily recently to an old friend on FB, he asked about my sad little girl icon, because sad kids make him sad. I said this:

As to my sad little girl icon, I'm in mourning. My friend Lily (formerly Lilla), who was pretty much the only reason I came to Portland to begin with (hadn't even heard of it before she talked it up online), whom I'd been online friends with since late high school and in-person friends (and sometimes lovers) with since 2007, died unexpectedly in her sleep from a seizure. We knew she had seizures, but until that sad day, I didn't know they could be fatal in and of themselves. So it was a huge shock.

Keep in mind, I was previously a person who seldom cries, seldom feels the need, but she died back in May, and even now in August I still keep crying over her loss. She was a lovely person, unconditionally loving. I think you would have liked her. Have you ever read Harry Potter? Luna Lovegood reminds me strongly of Lily, but Lily was more actively social than Luna (who mostly kept to herself), more gregarious, and Lily had a penchant for spontaneously bursting into song, hugging every tree she met along a route, bowing at people and calling them "milord" or "milady," going into extended laugh attacks with a variety of peculiar laughs, and using a mix of both archaic words and childish words like "spendy" or "happy-wappy."

When she died, it took weeks to tell everyone she knew just in her neighborhood that she had passed. She liked to play her violin and/or sing for coffee money or just because, and she befriended all the local homeless people, and since she'd been living in that neighborhood all her life, that was a LOT of people. Between them and all the people she knew at scifi conventions and Renaisaance faires, I'm sure there's still people who might not know.

Anyway, so yeah, I'm still in mourning. There's still certain songs I can't listen to without thinking of her enough to burst into tears in public (something I never used to do). Last weekend I went to a Renaissance faire with Cat and Victor, two friends I met through Lily, and on one of the days of the faire, I thought about what it would've been like if Lily could have gone with us (after seeing someone there who Lily had introduced me to once), and I went from happy about the faire to crying on the car-ride home. I'm on the verge of tears right now, in fact.

I don't really like picking favorites, or "bests," but there's no denying she was my best friend ever. Nobody I've known in my life ever came close. And I hated Iowa so much, I am so grateful to her for luring me to Portland.

But yeah, I'm still despondent, still in mourning. It'll have been three months since she died, once the 8th rolls around. I don't know how long this mourning will last. I knew her in person for 12 years, and longer than that if we include the time I only knew her online. And since I'm basically a little kid at heart, and Lily was my ageplay Maddy (like a Daddy or Mommy, but it's a genderless term since Lily was gender non-binary) as well as a friend, that's why the sad little girl. Because that sad little girl represents me.


Note: Since icons need names in DW/LJ, the name of that icon is in fact "mourning."

This was cross-posted from
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Tags: lilla, mourning, my day
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