December 11th, 2014


Dischordian Horrorscopes for the week of 12/14 through 12/20

Dischordian Horrorscopes for the week of 12/14 through 12/20

The stars are cold and uncaring, they do not speak your fate; they merely provide the door to where your fate is hiding.

Haries (March 21-April 19)
= I’d like to say that’s an FBI surveillance van in front of your house, but that would be a lie. You should move away, carefully, in the dead of night without taking anything with you but your ATM card. Take out all your money in cash and get an airplane ticket to outer Mongolia. Trust me, the guys in that van will make a few years at Gitmo seem like a day at the spa.

Fnord Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) = The door to where your fate hides is locked. Not sure whether that’s good or bad. Probably bad, though.

Gem-in-eye (May 21 - Jun. 21) = The spiders… THE SPIDERS! They’re everywhere! The spiders… the spiders… *extended groan* *weeping*

I’m-sorry-but-it’s-Cancer (Jun. 22-July 22) = This week, you are either going to catch your ass on fire or amputate your own arm accidentally. Not sure which it is, but you should keep some tourniquets and a pile of sand around the house just in case.

Fleo (July 23 - Aug. 22) = Odd… I see a man, but he has no face. Just pale white skin. And he’s bald, and wearing a nice suit. He’s very thin, as well; too thin. He’s waiting for you just out of sight. When you least expect it, he’s going to kidnap you. No one will ever find your body.

Virgone (Aug. 23 - Sept 22) = Don’t leave your house this week, whatever you do. It’s totally not safe out there. I swear I’ll protect you and not murder you. Sincerely, Your House.

Lee-Bra (Sept 23-Oct 23) = There is a kind of mushroom that is extremely delicious, but will kill you in anywhere from several months to several years by causing your kidneys to fail. There was one hidden in your food. You should set your affairs in order.

Pinscorpio (Oct.24-Nov.21) = Oh hey, it’s good news this time! You’re going to get a nice new boyfriend. He’s smart, handsome, kind, gentle, tall, and strong. Oh hey, there’s a name. Let’s see… Sam Winchester. Good for you; he looks like a nice young man.

Exsaggitarius (Nov.22-Dec.21) = [Your fate has been censored due to its extremely violent, graphic, and disturbing nature, which might cause people with weak hearts to suffer heart attacks.]

Chaopricorn (Dec.22-Jan 19) = Don’t accept any packages in the mail this week. Someone has sent you a cursed object that will turn you into an unquiet spirit that drowns children and puppies in the river and throws their corpses through the windows of their weeping families.

Aqua-hairius (Jan.20-Feb.18) = Hey, I have this app that translates foreign languages into English, but it has to be spoken aloud and I’m a mute; can you read the following aloud for me? "Vs lbh ernq guvf, sbby lbh or, qbbzrq gb rgreany zvfrel. Lbhe fbhy vf genccrq sberire zber, xrcg sebz tbvat guebhtu qrngu’f qbbe. Qnzarq guerr gvzrf gvy whqtzrag qnl, ng juvpu gvzr lbh’yy gehyl cnl."

Spiceez (Feb.19-March 20) = After decades of successfully downloading pirated music and movies, you finally get caught. Adding insult to injury, the file they caught you downloading is something really embarassing, it’ll be all over the news, and you’ll be the laughing stock of the town for the next decade or two.

This was cross-posted from
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