August 12th, 2014

mourning

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mourning

Great metaphor for depression.

I like to think of depression as being in a spacecraft, and the door opens, sucking out the air. Now depending on how big your spacecraft and how big the air leak, it could take anywhere from months for the air to disappear, to it all rushing out in a matter of hours. And then when all the air is gone, apathy is the void inside. And if you're lucky, you got into your spacesuit in time, but that air will only last so long.

You can take steps to patch the hole(s), maybe find something that can act like making a pit stop at a space station for extra air. And even if you've sealed all the leaks and have air recycling systems going, you're still surrounded by void, and something could happen at any minute to start the process over again. But then, I think all of us are drifting in the void, and some people only lose air when some life event blasts a hole in their hull, but they patch it up in time and go on about their lives.

While those of us with depression... a lot of us have been through so many battles with so many alien vessels and ion storms and whatnot, that there are leaks everywhere, and only several years or decades with no battles at all would be enough time to find all the leaks and repair them. And even then, the structural integrity is compromised. But of course life always has its battles, so healing is slow when it happens at all. And sometimes things in the ship malfunction and you go into battle mode when there's nothing out there, or something just settles the wrong way and causes an unanticipated collapse that has to be fixed. So the red alerts keep going off.

I think Robin Williams's ship just was so tired of the constant red alerts and battles and the continuing damage from a settling, ill-repaired ship that he felt adrift and was just like, "Fuck it" and hit the reactor overload button to self destruct.

This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1247615.html
You can comment either here or there.
moonphase anger

Food frustrations

I feel like depression has changed eating from something enjoyable into a fucking onerous chore, so that whenever I get ready to eat, it's like "So what am I going to cram in my throat-hole this time? *sigh*" And now my IBS makes it so I can't have dairy, spicy food, or anything in the onion or garlic family, so the few foods I still kinda liked are pretty much stolen from me.

What's worse, all this is happening to me in the summertime, when the oppressive heat already makes eating a chore, and makes cooking anything something to be avoided at all costs, because the oven adds so much extra heat to the air.

I'm looking forward to the winter, like seriously it can't come fast enough for my taste. At least in the winter, I can cook stuff without dying of heat stroke. And winter means soup season! Soup is basically my favorite food, it's so easy. Heat some water, boil some noodles, throw some ingredients together, and BLAM, soup's on. This coming winter is going to be a little more annoying, since all my ramen packets have onion and garlic in them, so I can only use the noodles, but whatever.

Then too, I make sandwiches, but sandwiches without cheese kind of suck. And I get damned tired of sandwiches anyway. At night when it's cooler, I sometimes make chicken for a cold chicken salad, but that's a shitton of work, and so often - between the depression and the fucking daystar's hideous heat - I just don't have the spoons to eat anything that takes more than 5 minutes to make. Which normally would mean stocking my freezer full of microwavable dinners, but hey, EVERY GODDAMN ONE of those fucking things has either dairy or onion in it, so eating those would mean more fucking diarrhea.

Yeah, I don't blame my roommate for consuming pretty much nothing but smoothies this summer. I would do the same, but I need protein, and plant protein doesn't do diddly squat for me. Also, smoothies have like, zero staying power; I drink one and I'm just hungry again a half hour or hour later.

I would really love to find a grocery store that caters specifically to people with food allergies/sensitivities, with like a whole aisle or two devoted to zero-dairy, zero onion-family, zero hot pepper foods. Because every trip to the grocery store this month has been me wandering around the store looking at stuff, getting more and more frustrated as I go along at all the stuff I can't eat. I can't even make a grocery list anymore because I no longer know what the fuck to even get.

I'm getting more and more tempted to just go "Fuck it" and eat whatever the fuck I feel like eating, and damn the consequences. Chase every fucking meal with an anti-diarrhea pill or something.

This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1247856.html
You can comment either here or there.