December 10th, 2012

Elle Fanning

Migraines and healing

(This was written a couple weeks ago, I forgot it was unpublished until today.)

(Though this won't look like it at first, this entry will eventually circle around to something positive, to something based in my spirituality.)

I'm prone to headaches, sadly. I have been for as long as I can remember. Well, I call them headaches, but really, they're migraines. I have to hit them with the maximum safe dosage of pain reliever as soon as I realize I'm getting one or else they bloom into full-fledged fatherfucking migraines; IE sensitivity to light and sound, nausea, even vomiting. And trust me, letting it get to the nausea stage is pretty much a guarantee of vomiting. Vomiting while your head is in the middle of a full-on migraine is such a horrible experience that I would not wish it on my worst enemies; however much pain and agony you're in before you puke, that will be magnified ten times with every spasm from your stomach.

I remember a time when a simple Tylenol would prevent the migraines from coming. Now the only OTC thing that works is Advil Liqui-gels, or off brand of the same thing. Liquid-filled gel capsule pain relievers rush the relief to my head fastest, and even they aren't fast enough to catch every headache in time to prevent energy-sapping agony. (The solid pain reliever pills are worse than useless; no matter how quickly I take them, they don't work fast enough to prevent me puking them back up later.) Luckily, I don't get these headaches/migraines every day, every week, or even every month. But I usually get at least one or two every month, though some months I don't have any.

Since most of my headaches seem to come from neckaches that I get when I wake up in the morning, I thought for a long time (and still wonder on occasion) if it's the way I'm sleeping. But I sleep the same way every night, and it doesn't happen every night/day, so I dunno. The best theory I have, thus, is that I get them at random, and that they're somehow caused by my clinical depression, since I've been depressed all my life.

Anyway, this is such a matter-of-fact part of my life that under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have even thought to make this entry. But for the last week, I'd been suffering neckaches/headaches every fucking day for a week, which aside from being painful and sucking away my ability to do things, also pisses me off because I don't really have the money to be constantly buying pain relievers. But I always make sure I have some around and in my purse, in case another fucking headache shows up.

Part of what makes the money side of the headaches so annoying is the pattern: I wake up with a neckache, take pain reliever because I know what's coming, the headache begins while I wait for the pills to take effect, then subsides. Then starts to come back in 5 or 6 hours. More pills are then needed. If another 5 or 6 hours passes and I'm still awake, more pills will be needed. Usually that's when I go to bed, or close enough. Then, if I'm lucky, I'll wake up fine the next morning. Less lucky, I'll wake up with an "after-headache," which is stiffness in the neck and a sensitivity in the head that means I shouldn't eat any greasy foods or over-exert myself.1 Unlucky, I'll wake up and the pain will have come back again. So we start the cycle over again for that day.

Well, that cycle had been happening to me every day for a week, getting very fucking irritating. Even worrisome, as I began to fear it wouldn't stop.

So this morning, I woke up to pain. Took two pills, but they were being slower than usual. I think it was because the pain was mild enough, I risked taking just one pill at first, and only an hour later taking another. Which, in retrospect, was a mistake; with my headaches, I have to overpower them with two pills at once or I might as well not take them at all. It's happened often enough, my being optimistic about 1 pill and then regretting it, that I should know better by now. So a few hours after taking the first pill, I was worried because the pain hadn't gone away; it wasn't getting any worse, but it wasn't going away. Not even for its usual temporary leave. I was worried that it was going to become a full-blown migraine, since the stuff I was carrying with me on my visit to Lilla was making my neck and head hurt from over-exertion (which is relative, and easy to achieve in an already-pained state.)

With these worries in mind, I decided to pray to Jiijiinis and Alorno, my deities of health and healing. And, for some reason, it started coming out as a song. I was singing a quiet prayer at first, and then when I got off the bus and began walking to the next stop I needed (to get on a different bus line), I sang more loudly. I kept up the song-prayer, rhyming things on the fly and repeating most of the lines I'd come up with, which included telling Jiijiinis and Alorno that I would praise their names if they helped, and then doing so.

To my surprise, by the time the next bus came, the pain was retreating. By the time I got to Starbuck's, the pain was gone. It's now been 11 hours since I took the first pill, 10 since I took the second, and I haven't had to take any more. And in case the full meaning of this escapes you, let me add: this is highly unusual for me. It's been over a decade since a single max dose of pain reliever has actually ended a headache without being paired with a nap or an overnight sleep. Best news: I feel better than I have all month. Not by much, but still, enough to finally get around to doing dishes and taking out the trash, which I'd left for over a week because of energy issues.

So yeah, anyone who says magick isn't real can bugger off. Because today I used magick to end a week-long headache!

There was something even more noteworthy about the healing prayer-song I did today, at least in my opinion. While it's not the first time I've sang a prayer (nor the second or third, etc), it resulted in a realization that made me feel like a dense dunce for a moment.

You see, my spiritual path is that of the Yahgahn culture of my scifi planet Traipah. And the Yahgahns have a sacred language called Yahgahnii, in which they do all their prayers and rituals and so on. And I have known for almost 15 years that Yahgahnii is a language intended to be sung, a musical tonal language.2 And in all that time, I only in the last year began to start doing prayer-songs. And only today did I think, "Hey, maybe I should make a habit of doing prayer-songs." I can't believe I'm so frakking dense that it takes me that long to have those kinds of thoughts! Sheesh.

Update: Headache frequency has returned to normal since then.

1 = If I eat greasy foods while I have a full headache, even if the pain reliever is managing it, I feel worse, and get nauseous much faster.

2 = I know almost nothing about tonal languages, so I've never made any real attempts to construct Yahgahnii for my own use; I use a mix of Trai'Pahg'Nan'Nog and English.

This was cross-posted from
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Elle looks up

Two new Deities

For those who don't already know, I follow a path I call Yahgahn. I created this path as a religion for my fictional planet of Traipah, and I fell in love with the planet, its people, and the Yahgahn religion.

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Anyway, so the real reason I started this post was because part of the flexibility of Yahgahn is the acceptance of new, non-canonical deities into a person's personal pantheon, whether borrowed from another religion or created out of thin air. It is for this reason and the other flexibilities of Yahgahn that there are a lot of people who count Yahgahn as just one of their religions.

But anyway, I came up with two new ones for my own personal use, which I will also include in the Traipah stories as popular non-canon Yahgahn Deities: Kwah'Gorrin, Deity of Technology in general. And Ayil'Kwahl'Ahgorah, Deity of Computers and Electronics. I got the idea from how Lilla has been using an Egyptian deity named Input for working with computers; it seems that since Input isn't well known anymore, She was kind of out of work. Attention is food for Deities, so poor Input must have been starving; no wonder She lets Lilla work with Her on stuff beyond Her original function.

But as for me, I never had much luck with Input. I get far more help from Shao'Kehn with computers, but that's mostly protecting them. She doesn't do much else with them. So I came up with Ayil'Kwahl'Ahgorah, whose name is derived from the Trai'Pahg'Nan'Nog word for electronics. (Basically the TPNN word for "electricity" translates into "flowing lightning" or "lightning which flows like water." The word for "technology" translates into "art of the tool." And the word for "electronics" translates into "art of the tool, used to bend [or harness] lightning.")

This was cross-posted from
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