November 22nd, 2012

Elle looks up


I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer last night, and there was this line:

Anya: "Diamonds are excellent for cursing."

My thought: Wow, something about magic in their universe that's true in ours! See, diamonds amplify energy. Positive, negative, whatever; they amplify energy quite a bit. Which makes is bizarre that people wear them as jewelry. It could explain why a lot of marriages go bad.

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Steph Pensive


Today is Thanksgiving. We're supposed to feel thankful for stuff. But to be honest, I can't think of anything. Well okay, I suppose I'm thankful that I have enough food to eat, and a place to sleep that's warm and dry. And I have friends, and activities to keep me busy. But it's not enough. The things that I can't feel thankful for kind of outweigh the good stuff.

I'm stuck in an apartment I haven't been able to afford to live in for over a year, bills are getting nearly impossible to manage, I have more debt than I think I can ever pay off, and because of my depression, I can't find the energy or state of mind to go looking for a cheaper place to live, if such an animal exists. It also keeps me from having the energy or drive to do my writing; not even poems. I also don't have the energy, most days, to do any chores I need to do. The few rituals I manage to do give me just enough energy to get through the days, or do some small chore if I'm really lucky. No matter what I'm doing, I feel like I'd rather be doing something else. When I sleep, I don't want to wake up, but if I sleep too long, I get more headaches than normal. When I wake up, half the days it takes me 15 minutes to decide what to eat because it takes that long to get enough of an appetite to actually make a decision.

I've been meaning to go to the clinic, take advantage of this expensive fucking Medicare shit to see about getting some anti-depressants, but I just find it so hard to get up early enough. I've even been unable to get up early enough to call the food bank for help.

What's worse, Ian - the head-mate to whom my ability to feel romantic love permanently bonded to for some reason - is never around, so I haven't had so much as a crush for months. Romantic love used to be a huge defining thing for me; I used to always have several crushes, fueling lots of poetry and art.

I feel like the depression is taking away everything that makes me who I am, and leaving this passionless shell behind. Fighting it just seems to speed up the process.

So how can I be really thankful for anything, when I feel so empty and hollow? The only passion I ever feel anymore is when one of us gets angry. Laughter helps me feel better for a short time, but it feels false, like some kind of drug that doesn't last more than a few minutes at a time.

God fucking dammit... there was a time, years ago, when I kept feeling highly angsty, driven to extremes of emotions by the tug-of-war between my passions and my depression. It was a roller-coaster ride, and I hated it. How could I have known that one day I would look back at those times with jealousy for my past self. When I was feeling both passion and despair at the same time, I was at least feeling something.

Happy frakking Thanksgiving everyone. Sorry for the downer post. I don't like talking about my depression on my blogs, I always worry I'll be percieved as attention-seeking, and I hate that because some people prattle on endlessly about their depression, and I usually assume those people are attention-seekers.

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Hit Girl


I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I do have a few gripes:

1. They never stake the vampires in the right spot. It's supposed to be in the heart, but they never get the right spot. It's always the middle of the chest, or the shoulder, or something; always a wee bit off.

2. They keep showing normal humans staking vamps like it's the fucking easiest thing in the world, but it's not. In the real world, when they were doing that sort of thing, it always required two people: one to hold the stake, and another to hit the stake with a heavy mallet; and it took multiple strikes. The only reason Buffy can do it in one go all by herself is because of her super-strength. The normal humans should have stuck with crossbows.

3. While we're on the subject of ordinary humans, may I just say gods, the number of times the Scoobies have survived things they shouldn't have. Here we have normal human beings fighting super-strong vampires and demons, getting hit and immediately getting back up, even when thrown into a wall. Hell, vamps are supposed to be on the same strength level as Buffy, and we've seen her punch straight through some demons' heads like it was warm butter. Most of the Scoobies should have died a few dozen times over from the blows they've received.

4. They keep using "warlock" to refer to male witches. "Warlock" does not mean a male witch, it means "oath breaker." I'm fine with the fantasy magic not being anything like real magick, but the least they could have done is get the terms for things right, especially when they keep referring to Wiccans. And there were a number of things, like references to real gods, that were erroneous and annoying. It's like they wanted to make an effort for some realism in regards to Wicca, and then just decided that research was too much work.

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