December 11th, 2010

Hit Girl

Endless loop dream

Odd day. Woke up around 1 or 2, had breakfast, and for some reason instead of texting Brooke about our planned trip to Winco, waited for her to text me. I was reading Hellboy while waiting. I fell asleep while waiting. The lights were on, so I had dreams, but as is usual with dreams while the light is on, I don't remember any of those. It was 4 PM, so I texted Brooke. She postponed to Monday.

I got up, and was in one of those weird moods where nothing sounds good, only this time it wasn't food related. It was like being bored but not wanting to do any of the things you knew could alleviate that boredom. I even contemplated going over to Brooke's to watch TV for something to do, but that would have involved getting dressed and going out into the cold. So instead, I lay down and stared at the ceiling. I tried very hard to not fall asleep again, but I did.

This time, the lights being on did not make my dreams too strange to remember. Instead, I kept dreaming about being bored and wanting to watch TV, but I'd eventually realize I was asleep and try to wake up, which led to waking up only within the dream, being bored, and eventually realizing I was dreaming and try to wake up. No idea how many times that happened, but probably a dozen at least. And each time I would "wake up," the dream I woke up to got more warped and dreamlike, and made less and less sense. Finally got to the point of my last two unsuccessful attempts to wake up had me unable to see anything but the ceiling in the dream (which was rippling like waves in water), so I would get up and start flailing around, trying to feel my way around. The whole time, I'm sure I was experiencing sleep paralysis because if I'd really been flailing around like that, I would have painfully hit something like the wall, which would have woken me up instantly. I don't think I even managed to get out of bed the last time in the dream, I was thrashing about from the moment I seemed to awaken. Finally, I woke up for real, sitting bolt upright. It took me a few minutes to be sure I was really awake this time. Went to Albertson's for some chips, the cold air helped a lot.

Oh, something I forgot to post about yesterday, too. I've posted before about how watching TV shows or movies on DVD on my computer can make me dream about said shows or movies. Well, a couple nights ago I was reading these huge books that are a collection of Hellboy comics (from the library) before bed, and that night I dreamed about those comics, even to the point of the dream's actions being framed in comic panels!

Crossposted from
cognitive hazard

A post which contains lots of discussion of how different I am from others.

People tend to treat any thought or belief as something that can be pinned down, traced back to a source. They tend to believe that if you are hit with enough logic, you can be convinced of anything. Well guess what? It isn't true. At least, not with me.

Had a heated argument with an atheist friend of mine on FaceBook earlier. I think we've cooled it off now, but it was quite intense for a while, far more intense even than what [personal profile] christinareborn and I get into at times. But that's unimportant. What is important is that it reminded me of something. Several somethings, in fact:

1. I don't have much in common with other people. I will go into this more later in the post.

2. For all that I'm mostly agnostic and my ideas about Divinity, etc, tend to be just ideas, I do have some actual beliefs: A. There is a Divine. B. Human minds cannot even begin to conceive of what The Divine is like, and can only speculate, due to the limitations of the human form. C. Most human philosophy is not only way off the mark about The Divine, but is just plain Wrong. D. I cannot shake any of this no matter how illogical it may be. More on this later in the post.

3. I used to wish I could understand other people, and be more like them. Now, I hope I never become more like them. I like humans despite themselves because I am naturally compassionate and hope they grow up as a species soon. But even on my best days, I am coming to realize I do not want to be one of them. Even on my best days, I find human behavior and beliefs, on the whole, to be selfish, egocentric, arrogant, disgusting, and in cases downright vile. I get along best with other Otherkin folks, others who are disgusted by humanity. And when I think about it, I cannot imagine any of my close friends as being humans. Even if they think they are humans, and are not (as far as they know of) Otherkin, I have difficulty putting them in the same species category as the vile race that is Homo Sapiens. There are things that Homo Sapiens does everyday and accepts as not only normal but often as *good* that I find 100% vile and disgusting. I don't just mean standard stuff that everyone agrees sucks but no one ever really does anything about, like child abuse, but other things as well. Littering. Pollution. This over-hyped fear-mongering shit like the severely exaggerated threat of child molesters, child snatchers, etc. I suppose it's partly because fewer and fewer people believe in child-snatching demons like the Wee Folk or Baba Yaga, but that people should be so fearful of made-up or exaggerated dangers when there are so many real things to be afraid of, or using this fear-mongering as an excuse to ignore other things that need more attention. This whole "stranger danger" thing is a load of crap, anyway. It's an invention of the last few decades, and despite what the Media would have you believe, kidnapped children are very rare, and when it does happen, it's usually a family member who's responsible. Same holds true for child molestation. All the "stranger danger" bullshit really does is serves as a convenient straw man and distraction, or political tool, a false good that in fact is tearing society apart.
Gods, I could write a whole series of books on the everyday accepted shit that pisses me off and disgusts me. But I don't have the time, room, or patience to do it here.

So, backing up a little. Going back to the point that I have very little in common with others. First, I can't even agree on simple concepts like time; I have an M.C.Escher-like sense of time.

Secondly, when most people talk - even friends - it just sounds like the adults in those Charlie Brown specials, "Wah wah wah wah wah." I catch a few words here or there, but I much prefer written communication. I can catch the whole spoken stuff a person is saying to me if I'm trying really really hard, but it takes too much effort to keep up. In large groups, I have to focus on one conversation at a time or else it all sounds like noise. This actually explains my supposed hearing problems in childhood. Oh, part of it was that my constantly clogged ears made it hard to hear, but even hearing aids didn't help much. Turning up the volume doesn't do much good when you can't tell the difference between noise and signal.

Third, I rarely make a decision about something because someone said so, and almost never make a decision about a person based solely on the words of another. I had too much experience with being misrepresented in school to allow that to happen. I come to my own conclusions based on my own fact-gathering and my Mutant Power - looking into their eyes to see into their soul. My Mutant Power never fails me. This independence of thought applies to everything. I mean everything. I question things most people never think about, much less question. I find many laws to be stupid and pointless, but I obey them nonetheless because I find it the safest option. But I hold a great many opinions I never share with anyone because I'm fairly sure most people would string me up for such opinions. And you can bet I'm going to go with what my Mutant Power tells me about a person, no matter how controversial siding with them might be. It all boils down to a simple truth: I trust my Mutant Power, and I *don't* trust other people in general. (I admit, I put a lot of myself into Lyria Spellspinner.)

And fourth, I trust my gut. There are, and have always been, many things I just *knew* without knowing why or how I knew them. Most of these things are about me, how I differ from others. I knew I was a Multiple before I consciously knew it, before I could put it into words. I knew I was Otherkin, long before I could describe it even to myself. I also knew about my sense of time being different from others before I could put it into words. I knew, for 10 years, that my vegetarianism was not going to last, before I could put this into words. I also knew WHY it wouldn't last, despite not having the words. And so on.

But this applies to other things, as well. Like Divinity. I *know* there is a Divine, though it may be an illogical thing, but it isn't a belief. I don't *believe* there is a Divine, I *know.* I can't explain how I know, I can't put it into words, no matter how hard I try, but I Know all the same. Just like I knew I was a Multiple, and an Otherkin, and that I have a strange sense of time. I didn't have the words then, but I do now. I believe, some day, I might have the words to explain how I know the Divine. Or it could be something that, in my limited humanoid brain, I cannot possibly put into words. Maybe noone can put it into words. Maybe words are inadequate to that task. But that doesn't change the fact that I Know.

This is why, while it is fun to debate religion at times (to try to find the words), I eventually stop and call a "agree to disagree" truce, because if you think it's hard to change someone's mind about a belief, I'm betting it would be impossible to ever change my mind about the existence of the Divine, no matter how agnostic my ideas get, because I just Know there is a Divine. It is not logical, but then, I've never much cared for Spock; there is more to life than logic. Some things just go beyond words.

But at the same time as I know there is a Divine, I also know that nobody on Earth - myself included - has ever come remotely close to describing it, though Taoists, certain New Agers, and certain alternative religion types have come as close as humans are able to. So the people who think that the Ultimate Divinity (what Taoists call the Tao and what I call Kohraindehr) is some giant humanoid who wants worshipers and will kill people to get them, I laugh at them. It's absurd. It may have made sense once upon a time, but with all we know now, they're like Flat Earthers to me. They might as well claim the sun is God's bonfire and the moon is carved from ivory from the tusk of the Primeval Narwhal. Stories of the lesser Divinities told as though they were human make for neat stories and art, but to take them literally is simply absurd. I knew better than that when I was 5, without even being told by anyone.

Now I've run out of steam and my temper has cooled down, so anything more I might have said is lost to the aether now.

Crossposted from