(Starts on a little bit of a down note, turns upward to "ooh, happy!" sharply.)
Even though I'd been at my worst spiral of depression this last couple years, I'd really not been happy since moving to Portland. I moved at a time when I had already been spiraling downward and going stir-crazy in Osceola, abruptly changing my plans from "I'll move to Portland some day" to "I'll move to Portland THIS SUMMER!" basically on a huge whim precipitated by a huge crying fit wherein my inner child, Molly, was the main fronter. And it was obstacle after struggle after more obstacle ever since moving here.
But now, I daresay things are looking up. I'm getting happier. I'm recovering, and healing. And I'm a hell of a lot more social than I used to be. In Iowa, I barely spoke to/with anyone because I constantly felt like a freak among normies. I had literally no friends other than online. But then I moved here, and now I have 6 friends I've had face-to-face time with, and there are at least two others I haven't yet met face-to-face. And some of the friends I have here have introduced me to *their* friends. Which is always awesome. And one friend in particular, kengr
, I see almost every day. (Oh, I'm reminded, I need to call gngr
tomorrow while I'm at Brooke's and set up a meetup among her, Brooke, and myself. Been meaning to for ages, and she takes forever to answer emails.)
Today I had a meetup with Ellyn, a friend of mine I haven't seen in person since my first year in Portland. She began as a friend of lillakat
's, but Ellyn and I have much more in common with each other than Lilla and I do. It's a shame it took this long to meet up with her again, but she lives out in Sherwood and I kinda used that as an excuse - while I was spiraling downward - to not meet up with her.
But I guess, with all the trips to Pagan meetups and the growing desire to join a coven, that now I'm healing I'm becoming more social. And I certainly hope to see Ellyn at least once a month from now on, because our time together today was AWESOME! We talked from 2PM to 6PM, about all kinds of stuff. At first, it was a little hard getting a conversation going, but once it got going we almost couldn't stop. And another positive sign: I, who usually am the quiet one who rarely speaks even among people I know are fellow weirdos, was talking up a storm today! My usual bad habit of not letting myself get a word in edgewise was tolerably low today, and my anxiety-stutter was practically nonexistent. I felt energized and excited by the stimulating conversation, and was a little sad when she had to go.
But, Ellyn left at just the right time for me to get to my pagan meetup. I was hoping she would come with me, but she had to leave; she might come to a future one with me, I hope she does. Anyway, at that meetup, the same thing happened, more or less. I usually have a harder time in groups than 1-on-1, and this time was no exception, since it *was* more difficult than chatting with Ellyn, and yet it was a lot easier than it's been for a long time. True, there were only 6 of us there this time, but I did really well. There were a couple things I wanted to say that I never got around to, but all in all I was pleased with how it turned out.
Hell, today I even had my strongest urge for months to sit down and write. I didn't, as it wasn't quite strong enough to overrule Internet, but it felt like a true desire to write for the sheer fun of it, as opposed to previous year's feelings of "I should do some writing, because that's what I would do if I were happy." I think re-reading the more beautiful parts of my Traipah novels, and talking about Traipah with Ellyn, helped produce that feeling.
Crossposted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org