September 29th, 2009

moonphase blue

*Le sigh*

Cross-posted from polyamory:

All my life I've been poly, and even as a kid I never understood the whole "marry one person!!!" and "jealousy" concepts. Truth be told, I never really understood the concept of marriage. True, my own parents had a great marriage (still do, for the most part), but I could never really reconcile the popular idea of marriage with what my parents had/have. With them, it's more like they're best friends living together. The fact that they're married seems superfluous... they're together because they want to be, not because they're bound together. I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

Anyway, I also see marriage as something requiring passion. I've long suspected I could never marry because I never had a lot of passion. Sure, I could get *very* passionate for a few months in a relationship, but then it would fade and become the kind of relationship my parents have - best friends with benefits, basically.

I'm not quite sure what happened, maybe it was a lot of things piling up, but a few years ago I lost passion for my then-girlfriend after a much briefer time than I used to. She had a change of feeling, too, though that was influenced a lot by her medications. Anyway, we officially changed our status to friends, by mutual decision, after being together for a few months.

It's been two years since that change, and I haven't felt passionate romantic love for anyone since. I'm still poly... I have one friend I sometimes have sex with, and another friend on the internet I sometimes do cybersex games with. I love them both, because I'm still capable of love. Just... not romantic love. There's no passion. I even think back on people I still love from my past, and even though I felt strong feelings for them for years after I had anything at all to do with them, all that remains is a general, non-passionate love.

I fell in love deeply and passionately even as a child (usually in the form of unspoken, unrequited crushes that felt like so much more), and with more than one person at a time. I used to have whole lists of people I felt passionately about! Now, nothing. I still feel love, but it's a love that's utterly devoid of passion.

I've been thinking it might have something to do with my depression, but then another part of my mind disagrees, citing the fact that I've been depressed pretty much all my life. I dunno.


Whichever one of you is Xenia Primorskaya, I friended you months ago on Facebook and you've yet to friend me back. I'm Tristan A. Arts there, I guess I should have told you.

A little bird told you...

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God says


Got into a discussion on Facebook with a friend about karma, and this is what I said about it:

1. Karma isn't mandatory. There is this thing called free will. Free will complicates everything, but life would stagnate at all levels without it.

2. Karma works mainly at the soul level. The souls decide before each life what kinds of things they want to experience in that life, and that's the level where karma comes into play. It's rare to see karma working within one lifetime.

3. A lot of people try to think of karma as something that simplifies the way the world works. In truth, the world is complicated. Most people who believe in karma and deities and stuff do so to simplify things, which is incorrect. Life is just plain complicated.

4. Your soul is NOT your earthly consciousness. The earthly consciousness is a mask the soul wears in its game of mortal dress-up. The mask has its own consciousness and the soul merely watches what happens. It's always trying to talk to us and help us out, but most people don't listen. Or, at least, don't listen consistently. Again, free will kind of screws that up. The soul's goal is to get its mask to do whatever it is the soul wants it to do in a lifetime, without interfering with the mask's free will. Sounds pretty callous, and it bugs the shit out of me knowing this at times (I often angrily rail against my soul for various things) but the soul is such a fast-vibrating bit of energy that it can only experience the mortal realm vicariously through its masks. Through us.

EDIT: Adding this: It sounds kind of callous, this conception of the soul, but in truth the soul *does* care. It doesn't want us to suffer. That's why it tries to help. And it is ultimately a game, but a game with a purpose. The soul knows a lot, but there's a huge difference between knowledge and experience. The only way the soul has of getting experience is through us. So it's a learning process for all involved. And because the soul cares, I imagine it's pretty hard on them, watching us suffer and all they can do is talk to us, and we're quite free to not listen; to not listen so thoroughly that most of the time we can't even hear anymore, like tuning out noise as part of the background.

I imagine it does help somewhat that death, as we generally believe in it, doesn't actually exist. From our perspective it does, but ultimately it doesn't. Mostly because time, as we experience it, is an illusion. All moments are one moment. Sounds really simple on paper, but actually it's so complicated that I'm not sure any mortal could even understand it, let alone describe it.