April 27th, 2009

Magneto

Overloaded

My level of caring about the troubles of others has become intellectual-only, because I'm so overloaded with my own emotions about my own situation that I can't take any emotions about anyone else's situation. So two of my LJ friends in particular I kind of tune out as much as I can get away with in regards to their situations. The internal "valve" that cuts off the flow of negative emotions when they become too overwhelming is pretty much on all the time now, and is over capacity - stuff is leaking through. I know this isn't healthy and can't continue forever, but I'm doing such a shit job of making it through this crap as it is that I wouldn't get anything done at all - even eating - if I didn't shunt away these negative emotions. As it is, doing a single application feels like climbing Mount Everest... I get so exhausted from just one of those damned things now that I can't do anything else all day long.

I seriously NEED a job. Not just for money, at this point, but for mental and emotional reasons. A lot of people might be like, "yay no work!" but me, I'd rather have a job, even if it didn't pay anything. Having a job is tolerable and even enjoyable for me... not having one, and having to look for one, is a draining drudgery that's taking more out of me than I have to give.

Maybe I can actually get that Oregon Health Plan form filled out. I have to find it first, though. Then comes the fun times of filling it out. Job applications wear me out, and government forms make me feel naseus nauseus ill. But I must do it. I need to escape this cycle of "have job"/"lose job"/"look for job." Because really, I don't fit any part of the cycle. Looking for a job is beyond exhausting, losing a job is devastating to my self esteem, and while I like the ritual and routine of having a job, I just don't understand people and they don't understand me. I need out of this cycle. But in the meantime I NEED A FRAKKING JOB! YOU HEAR ME, UNIVERSE!?!

I need to figure out how to make interrobangs on the Net.