August 31st, 2008

Avatar dino

Your benevolent dictator speaks!

Hello and welcome, everyone. Do not fear, I am a benevolent dictator. YOUR benevolent dictator. I have come from the future to save this planet. I intend to rule the world. First, I conquered America. How? Well, I turned the Republican representatives into wombats and the Democrat representatives into blue-footed boobies. This effect is temporary, and everyone will be conscious during the entire transformation. Anyone who tries to overthrow my rule will be turned into an elephant the size of a mouse for a period of one month.

Here are your first new laws:

1. Public nudity is no longer a crime. Exposure only becomes indecent if you are wiggling your bits around in someone's face or are otherwise being a royal ass. (Sexual harassment, etc.)

2. Intolerance will not be tolerated. Intolerant people will be turned into iron rutabegas for periods of one month, during which they will be fully conscious.

3. Every Thursday, citizens will be required to wear some form of melon on their head, taking it off only to shower or bathe. This is to counteract the Serious vibes in the workplace. For the same reason, neckties will be illegal to wear except at funerals. Feel free to invent some sort of festive replacement for the necktie.

4. The 23rd of every month are now officially recognized holidays. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is allowed to work on the 23rd of any month. Unless they're having fun.

5. Banks will be required to be open 24 hours a day, and to give out state-supplied party hats with every transaction.

6. The official languages of the USA will henceforth be Klingon, Sindarin, and Jibberesh. Official internal documents will be written in Sindarin (using Tengwar script). People who can speak any of these languages will receive tax breaks.

7. IRS employees will henceforth have a new uniform: ballerina costumes. (Women AND men!)

8. Guantanamo Bay prison is hereby shut down. All criminals will be turned into paraplegic midgets with a bad skin condition for a period of however long fits the crime.

9. Bullying is now considered a federal crime. Age is no excuse.

10. Guns are illegal. All guns will turn into spatulas. All gun buyers will turn into rubber ducks for a month.

That is all for now. Carry on.