July 30th, 2008

mourning

USS Make Shit Up



I was stranded on a planet, Just me and Spock
We met a nasty nazi alien who locked our asses up
We found a hunk of crystal and a metal piece of bed
We made a laser phaser gun and shot him in the head

Bust a move, Tog

I was standing on the bridge when Sulu came to me
His eyes were full of tears he said "Captain, can't you see
the ship is gonna blow do something I beseech"
I grabbed a tribble and some chewing gum and stopped the warp core breach

And I say,
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
Thats the way we do things, lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

And though he's just a child, and some think him a twit
Wesley is the master when it comes to making up some shit
He's the guy you want with you when you go out in space
Now if only he could beam those pimples off his face

And if you're at a party on the starship Enterprise
And the karaoke player just plain old up and dies
Set up a neutrino field inside a can of peas
Hold on to Geordi's visor and sing into Data's knee

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
Thats the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

Sisko's on a mission to go no bloody place
He loiters on a space station above Bajoran space
The wormhole's opened up and now they come from near and far
We'll keep the booze but please send back the fucking Jem-hadar

What is with the Klingons, remember in the day
They looked like Puerto Ricans and they dressed in gold lame
Now they look like heavy metal rockers from the dead
With leather pants and frizzy hair and lobsters on their heads

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
Thats the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we just make some shit up

Well, I was stuck on Voyager, pounding on the door
When suddently it dawned on me I've seen this show before
Perhaps I'm in a warp bubble and slightly out of phase
'Cause it was way back in the sixties when they called it "Lost in Space"

We were looking for a way to make the ratings soar
So we orchestrated an encounter with the Borg
Normally you'd think that that would get us into shit
But this one has a smashing ass and a lovely set of tits

And I say
Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
Thats the way we do things lad, we're making shit up as we wish
The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us
'Cause if we find we're in a bind we're totally screwed but nevermind
We'll pull something out of our behinds, we just make some shit up

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mourning

Funny: year 2008 as a rejected scifi novel

Dear Author,

We appreciate your submission of your short story, "In the Year 2008," to Astonishing Chronicles magazine. However, we regret to inform you that we cannot publish your story.

As the premier science-fiction periodical, Astonishing Chronicles publishes stories ranging from the merely hypothetical to the completely outlandish, but you should not infer from this that we have no standards when it comes to story settings. To be concise, each story must be internally consistent. Once you establish a facet of your setting, whether mundane or fantastical, you must be true to that aspect of your story, and follow it to its logical consequences. This is where your story falls apart.

Just to point out one glaring example. You suggest that in 1945 -- a mere 15 years from now -- scientists will invent an explosive that can destroy an entire city. This is, of course, entirely unlikely, but that is not the issue here. The issue is this: You postulate that after an initial two deployments of these "atomic bombs," a number of nations build up their own arsenals of these weapons, and yet nobody uses them in the ensuing 40-some years.

How is the reader intended to take this seriously? When in history have antagonistic civilizations stockpiled the most modern of weapons, and then failed to make use of them? At the very least, weaker states without atomic armaments of their own should have long since been absorbed into your so-called "super powers."

On a more individual level, let us take a look at the people in your story. You seem to forget that even in the future, women will remain women. Science fiction is based in science, and there is ample scientific evidence that women are genetically unable to achieve as men do, unless you consider raising a number of children while keeping a home to be an "achievement."

You suggest that in your world of 2008, going to an art gallery or attending a poetry reading will be considered by many to be a womanly activity. This is patently ridiculous, as it is well established that women are not able to appreciate art or literature on the same level that men do. However, it pales in comparison to your casting of a woman as a viable presidential candidate. Even considering that her campaign does not survive the primaries, this is laughable. If this part was intended to be farce, it was ill-conceived and poorly constructed. If it was not, I simply do not know what to say.

Finally, while Astonishing Chronicles does not shy away from frank portrayal of amorous physical considerations, I must sternly remind you that we do not publish smut. In the end, your story seems less like an earnest attempt to explore the future than it is an excuse to depict your extremely unhealthy erotic fantasies.

Your 2008 reads like a sexual maniac's slavering fever dreams: a world where the daughters of prominent families bare their midriffs with no fear of social censure, where unnatural coital devices hang in general stores next to legitimate medical needs and where even more depraved debaucheries are delivered into homes via wire, much like a milkman delivering the day's sustenance.

I have seen many futures in my occupation, but yours has the dubious distinction of being simultaneously the most chilling and the most laughable. I take solace in knowing that a society as degenerate and well-armed as the one you postulate would have blown itself to kingdom come long before 2008.

Yours Sincerely,

Armand J. Quaestor
Submissions Editor
Astonishing Chronicles

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/alttext/2008/07/alttext_0730

They forgot to mention that, from the point of view of the people back then, a black presidential candidate would be an even more absurd idea than a female president.