November 20th, 2004


News Flash: Violence Erupts on Gilligan's Island

Violence Erupts on Gilligan's Island
By Lord Smashed Outta His Gourd

Rootyrs - After years of attempted escape from a desserted island they were marooned on, the continual failure to flee their hell caused the citizens of Gilligans Island to snap and attack the source of their never-ending failure... Gilligan himself.

It was a ghastly sight as the suspect [known only as Skipper] grabbed a large sharp rock and, in a fit of temper at being thwarted again by the insane stupidity of Mr. Gilligan, stabbed Gilligan 47 times, including in the eyes and throat. Mr. Gilligan was rushed to the hospital hours later after a large party held in honor of his death, when the makeshift boat the escapees were piloting crashed into a small pack of sea lions on the beach. Mr. Gilligan was declared dead on the scene.

Mr. Skipper is being charged with three accounts of first degree murder, and is also being sued by the surviving family of the victim. We tried to ask Mr. Skipper about the case, but he declined to comment.

Gilligan's funeral will be next Sunday at 3 PM in the Saint Jude's Church For Lost Causes in Toledo.

Chaotic Blessings;