The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective
fayanora

I has a sad

As I was being driven back home today by Cat and Victor (two friends I met via Lily), Molly spontaneously came to the front. But she wasn't feeling her usual cheerful self. She was quiet and had her hand to her mouth and was melancholy. The melancholy built up until halfway through the ride she started crying.

Cat, at least, knows I'm a multiple. I don't know if Victor does or not, but I think he'd be cool with it if he did. Through a combo of "it's difficult to get past The Filter to begin with" and uncertainty about how Victor would take it, she wanted to tell Cat she was the one fronting. All she ended up able to say was "I miss Maddy." Maddy is Molly's nickname for Lily.

Sure, before that we said "I don't know what came over me," but that was just The Filter putting in a scripted response to the situation of "oh my, we're crying in front of other people, this will not do." Which is silly, cuz if anybody'd unnerstand it's Vic and Cat. An we're still feelin Little and sad. An I wanna draw a piccy in memry of Maddy but I think I'd cry agin if I did, an it might get da paper wet. Might do it ennyway. Cuz I miss my Maddy, an it ent gettin enny eezyer. I call her "Maddy" cuz she was genderfluid an she's like my mommy but she was part boy so that's like a daddy an so mix em gever an it's Maddy.

An yes, we jus swichd haffway tru tha post so it's me, Molly, an I jus wanna hug. I wan my Maddy ta hug me an she can't cuz she's gone frever an ever, prolly is some new baby somewhere by now. I wanna cuddle her an feel loved an I think bout all tha times I coulda done that but dinnit cuz I had to go home fore the buses went beddy bye for the night an I can't sleep wifout the seepap doohickey an its not light an there's only wun ov em an it's spensive an I wish I could go back an cure my sleep apnea so I could spend all tha time I wanna wif her. An I can't, I can't even TALK bout it way I wanna cuz tha stupid Filter.

An I'm touch starved, been so for ages, but I can only hug and cuddle wif certain people an there was only two people like that an now there's only one, an there's never nuff room ta do that nowhere.

Well maybe Jesse too, but askin him is hard. It was hard when Lily was alive, it's harder now.

I want sumbody I can cry on an tha only person round here I really felt comfy doin that wif isn't here no more.

This was cross-posted from https://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1449817.html
You can comment either here or there.
Tags: lilla, molly elizabeth, mourning, multiplicity
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