Secondly, for most of my life I could not shield worth shit, which meant that it would all come in whether I wanted to or not, and my only recourse when things got too much, was to drown out the noise with music. Whenever I would try to shield, I would imagine this blue bubble that didn't fucking work and took too much energy to maintain, so it just made things worse. For years I have struggled with this problem, trying and failing time and again to shield, to no avail.
So imagine my surprise when, a week or so ago, I'm walking along trying to shield with the blue bubble and, without my even thinking about it, with literally no warning at all, this crappy blue bubble I'm attempting to shield with spontaneously turns the reddish orange color of Chaos Fire and becomes a mix of Chaos Fire, red-hot razor wire, and red-hot metal spikes. Like, one instant I'm struggling to keep the blue bubble from collapsing, and the next instant there's this burning iron sphere of razor wire and spikes around me, and magickal heat radiating from me. What's more astonishing, IT WORKS. It is doing precisely what a shield should do, which is to keep other emotions out. And I did not create it myself; I was literally startled by its sudden manifestation. I suspect Djao'Kain, AKA Shao'Kehn, did it.
Now, looking back, it seems obvious that this should be the solution. I know what I was doing wrong all this time! First, blue is not the color of my magick. A chaos magick book I read once talked about octarine, the color of magic, an idea borrowed from Terry Pratchett. It went on to say that what octarine looks like is a very personal thing, different for every magick user. Even before being introduced to that idea, I've long known that the color of my magick is the reddish-orange of Djao-Kain's Chaos Fire, because She and I are linked (I am one of who knows how many avatars She has). So naturally, something like a shield should be imagined in octarine, using the color of one's personal color of magick.
Secondly, bubbles are somewhat permeable, which is bad for a shield, as a shield is meant to keep stuff out.
Third, blue is the color of water, and even though I'm a water sign, my magick is fire magick.
Fourth, the best defense is a good offense, and nothing quite says "offensive defense" like a sphere made of red-hot razor wire and iron spikes. And fucking magickal heat like it's coming from a steel forge, just to emphasize the point.
That's not to say I'd never tried fire before that day. There were times I tried making the bubble out of blue fire. Why blue fire, I don't know, but that didn't work much better than simple blue light did. Also, I will admit that this burning sphere of red-hot razor wire and spikes did not come completely out of the blue; I've used that exact thoughtform in another kind of defense, the "there is another human being out here while I'm walking at night, so I will use this to make sure they leave me alone" kind of defense. So I guess some part of me was just like, "Seriously, girl, that blue bubble is fucking annoying and useless. Here, use this."
So yeah, fifth: the fact it was something I'd been using a lot for something else added to its power and effectiveness. It had already been made, so it just slid into place from within me like it had done on numerous other occasions.
And sixth, just because I love the number 6 so much: WOOT.
Anyway, I got reminded of this all because I used this new shield again today, on the bus, and holy SHIT it was effective. The shape of the shield was deformed by my proximity to other humans, but the instant it came up, I felt much better.
This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1252976.html
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