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This is worth repeating

Bill Maher said all of the following:

New Rule: When scientists find a new planet that's just like Earth, they have to give it a better name than Gliese 581. It sounds like an alias in a chat room. Are we supposed to explore it or think it's a horny teenager - go to its galaxy looking for sex and end up on "Dateline."

New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. Someone had to say it. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but, f*ck you, I'm an American consumer! Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth.

New Rule: For the sake of human existence, K-Fed must not be allowed to mate with Paris Hilton. Or as I like to call her, "K-Y." You know, when the Pope saw this picture, he changed his opinion on abortion from "it's murder" to "okay, but just this once."

And, finally, New Rule: Guns don't kill people; crazy people kill people. Last week, in response to the Virginia Tech shootings, President Bush said, "When people see somebody who is exhibiting abnormal behavior, you do something about it." Thanks for the heads-up, McGruff.

But, if that's the case, then I want to warn the country about a man I saw last night on TV. He's six feet tall, Caucasian and he goes by the title "President of the United States." [photo of Bush making face shown]

I'm not kidding. George Bush is the crazy person we need to keep an eye on. He needs to stop taking money from the pharmaceutical lobby and start accepting samples. Only a delusional person could watch Alberto Gonzales before Congress last week do everything but say, "No hablo Ingles"- and rip up a picture of the Pope, and conclude that it "increased his confidence in the man." That's called disassociation from reality.

There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results." And then it says, "See: 'The Surge.'" Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

He thinks the terrorists hate us for our freedom, and believes they're going to follow us home. That's why he keeps obsessively clearing brush, so Osama can't use it for cover.

Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.

There's only one job you can be trusted with, and that's picking out Phil Spector's next hairdo.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 12th, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC)
New Rule: When scientists find a new planet that's just like Earth, they have to give it a better name than Gliese 581. It sounds like an alias in a chat room. Are we supposed to explore it or think it's a horny teenager - go to its galaxy looking for sex and end up on "Dateline."

Gliese 581 is the star. And all it really is is "581st entry in the Gliese catalog of stars".

Also, don't believe the news. That planet is not much like Earth at all. It's just the closest match we've ever found out side the solar system.

As just one example, the surface gravity is apt to be *at least* 2.5 times Earth's. Thre atmosphere is likely to be really different too.

As for Bush, you have to understand a couple of things.

First, he lies. Second, he seems to feel that loyalty is more important than anything else. So his confidence in Gonzales is increased because Gonzales is still trying to protect Bush's ass.

The war in Iraq happened because Bush *wanted* one. His daddy had fought Iraq but not "beaten" it. Shrub needed to "do better".

Most of the rest of his stuff is best explained as trying to justify what he wants to do. Or cover his ass for the stuff he said he'd do that he can't.

The folks around him are just in it for the power, and keeping the public scared makes the public more willing to give them power.

May. 12th, 2007 11:35 pm (UTC)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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