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Demi-sexual?

Before I got on Wellbutrin, I had this notion that I hadn't really talked about, that I may be demi-sexual. For those who don't know, demi-sexuality is a form of asexuality (or, as Lyria calls it, "unsexuality") that means I really only become sexually attracted to someone I have an emotional connection/attraction with/to. I've tried seeing if there was anyone at all I'd ever fantasized about that didn't fit that category. There may have been, back when I was a young teen, but I don't remember well enough to know for sure.

I wasn't sure this was true, though. Then I got on Wellbutrin and my libido went up. However, asexuality and its sub-sexualities run a gamut that can include masturbation, even frequent masturbation. And, well, then the other day I realized that the only real people I ever fantasize about when masturbating are people I know and have an emotional connection with. All my other fantasy subjects are either fictional or divine (like Djao'Kain). So it seems I was right after all: I am demi-sexual.

And yet, it's more complicated than that. There's a somewhat sexual feeling I sometimes get that I call "sexualized envy," wherein I see a beautiful woman, and wish I looked that good, and start wondering what sex with someone I loved would be like in a body like that. It is kind of a combo of aesthetics and lust, even though it's not that I want to necessarily have sex with that person.

Oh, and there's more. Though I do enjoy sex with some people, even with them it's like I don't really have a huge enthusiasm for it. Or at least, not for anything that looks like I imagine other people would do sex. Because mostly I just like naked cuddles, and the occasional playing/licking of certain body parts, like ears, nipples, and neck. And sometimes oral sex, like cunnilingus or fellatio, is cool. To perform, anyway. Having my "oversized clit" sucked doesn't really do anything for me. I appear to be FAR more romantic than sexual, and even that's not as strong as it used to be.

Furthermore, I appear to be autosexual, meaning I can't orgasm except by my own hand. I have never experienced an orgasm by any other means. I've come damn close a few times, but for some reason only masturbation gets me all the way.

Even odder are the times that I have an emotional/sexual attraction with someone, and then the sexual side of it just evaporates one day and never comes back, for no apparent reason, leaving just the emotional side of things intact. Something of the sort happened in regards to Brooke, I think.

There may be more, but Starbuck's is closing now. And I got the gist of it.

This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1151964.html
You can comment either here or there.

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
bart_calendar
Jul. 15th, 2013 04:00 am (UTC)
I know lot of bottom women and men who prefer giving head to getting head and I know several couples who are "oral only" because penetration does little for them.
fayanora
Jul. 15th, 2013 04:04 am (UTC)
Yup. Lilla has a problem with penetration, as she was raped once. And since it doesn't do anything for me anyway, I don't have a problem leaving it out.

Sure, I fantasize about it sometimes. But the fantasy is always better than the reality, because in the fantasy it actually does something for me. There are a number of things that do stuff for me in fantasies that don't do anything for me in reality, and kinks I love to fantasize about but would never do in real life. But then, that's hardly unique.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 15th, 2013 01:23 pm (UTC)
Vore anybody?
Sorry... I just say the "fantasize about but would never do in real life"...

Message me?
fayanora
Jul. 16th, 2013 08:28 am (UTC)
Re: Vore anybody?
Not into vore.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 17th, 2013 02:42 am (UTC)
Re: Vore anybody?
Ah... dangit!
katrinathelamia
Jul. 15th, 2013 01:22 pm (UTC)
oooh one of this... uh...
This is going to be one of my more unwelcome comments... but...

Demisexual is kind of one of those things that mostly only exists thanks to slut shaming and the general rape culture we live within. Bare with me here...

In your case, you only really feel comfortable thinking about sexually people you know and kind of trust.

The thing is: that is pretty much just a normal healthy sexual drive.

Yes, you get some that can see a physical body and just imagine themselves rubbing themselves all over it, like a cloth shining some rusty metal... and that is also a normal healthy sexual drive.

In my case, I cannot think of somebody like that unless I could think of a way that consent would come from them (and not have it coerced).

Demisexual really isn't much of a "real" thing outside of a lot of confused ideas of what sex actually is.

Different people require different amounts of effort to get sexually intimate with them. Me, for example, I insist to give me two drinks before you start slapping my ass whilst I call you Daddy (ah... humour... numbs the pain of truth). You require an emotional romantic attachment to the person. We do not require the same amount of effort to get our underwear to come off... but at the same time, both of our efforts are within an normal range that should be expected.

You just require getting flowers and having your emotions respected. That isn't demisexual... that just means you aren't cheap and easy.

As per your limits of only able to think of people you are emotionally involved with to be able to trust them? Dude... that is normal. The whole being able to wank to celebrates? That is fucked... hell, just that celebrates exist is kind of fucked and does a weird number on people's mental health.

Me... I cannot think nasty thoughts of celebrates. I cannot even attempt to do that, as I get lost on the idea well before I get to that stage.

But damned Tumblr social justice crap... in my day we didn't have demisexuals. We just called them, "not whores", and they were viewed on a general spectrum of how much you had to talk to a girl before you had access to their parts.
fayanora
Jul. 16th, 2013 08:34 am (UTC)
Re: oooh one of this... uh...
Yeah, I'm gonna have to say "frak off" to you for that. I'm not shamed about anyone I'm attracted to. I just have no interest in having sex with people I don't have an emotional connection to. Your erasing of my sexuality with convoluted bullshit excuses is on the order of the dingbats who claim bisexuals are just in it for attention, or otherwise don't exist.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 17th, 2013 02:44 am (UTC)
Re: oooh one of this... uh...
At what point does your needing to connect with somebody emotionally escape the normal expected zone, to go into the demisexual zone?

Most people need a bit of patience and a bit of attachment, and it is not considered a new "sexual identity" when they just don't want to sleep with everybody they meet.

Where is the line from a "normal build up to being okay to sleep with" and "being demisexual". That is more what I want to know... as what you appear to be describing is how most people generally are when they are not asexual.
fayanora
Jul. 16th, 2013 08:46 am (UTC)
Re: oooh one of this... uh...
I would like to add, in my case, if there IS a reason for my being demisexual, other than just being born that way, then I would guess the reason is people in my life who have bullied me or otherwise treated me like shit, who were beautiful and popular.

I have experienced the experience of being sexually attracted to someone for who I thought they were, finding out they were horrible terrible people, and suddenly even picturing them naked makes me want to puke, no matter how attractive they may have been.

And the fact that most of my bullies have been male could explain why I am almost never even have non-sexual aesthetic appreciation of anyone cis male until such time as I find I like their personality (which requires compassion, a sense of humor, kindness, and intelligence). Males, for the most part, look... not ugly, but not handsome either, unless I have formed an emotional attraction to them. Like my brain can't even put "handsome" in the same room as a male otherwise; like it can't even recognize handsome men on a purely intellectual level without first liking their personality.

Edited at 2013-07-16 08:46 am (UTC)
katrinathelamia
Jul. 17th, 2013 02:50 am (UTC)
Re: oooh one of this... uh...
So... normal survivor stuff that has to be dealt with in a relationship.

I was pretty certain it was you that posted this link here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape/

The thing is: rape is way too damned common, that I've found it is usually to be expected that the girl is a survivor. I mean, it is a pleasant surprise when they are not a survivor... but at the same time.

Maybe this was another one of those links Alex gives, that when I reblog, allows you to notice them (which has happened a few times). Wondering if there is stuff Alex is trying to communicate to you about that you are stone walling him on.

But yeah... if you think it is normal to be able to just jump into a girls' pants and have them see you as a terrible person... you are kind of a bit twisted there.

Again... where exactly is the line that demisexual starts?
fayanora
Jul. 18th, 2013 03:51 am (UTC)
Re: oooh one of this... uh...
I've never been raped. Sexually harassed, yes, but never raped.

Plus, while the supposition that issues I have with males may explain my attitude toward males, it doesn't explain why I only fantasize about women that I know and have an emotional connection with, nor does it explain why sex doesn't really do much of jack shit for me.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 20th, 2013 08:12 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately...
Well...

* Most people are terrible at sex

I'm unfortunate, I've met people who actually knew what the hell they are doing. Which is not something anybody with a sexual addition should ever be given... completely ruins most sexual experiences at THAT point.

Think of it like roofing your house. Suppose most people were terrible at house roofing. You'd spend your entire life going, "wow... I fucking hate tiles on houses... it just doesn't interest me one bit"... now, if you saw one house properly roofed, you'd be, "I didn't have interest before... but wow... that one really well roofed house is the sort of thing I want on my home... it is... beautiful."

Unfortunately, our culture is one that more encourages ignorant and terrible sex, in that we have virgins being glorified over thirty something women who've been around and know a few things... and guys are worshiped on how large they are... rather than if they know how to use it.
fayanora
Jul. 22nd, 2013 01:31 am (UTC)
Re: Unfortunately...
Your metaphor is completely irrelevant to the conversation we're having. If it were relevant, I would only be attracted to people good at sex, and Lilla does not qualify for that. So again, you have struck out.

Please just, stop talking about this. You know nothing about this subject, and you don't even have the decency to realize that you know nothing.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 26th, 2013 04:07 am (UTC)
Nope... I know a lot of the topic
Sorry... but I know what I know. If the knowledge set is incomplete, your actions certainly are only keeping it in that state.

If it were relevant, I would only be attracted to people good at sex

Okay... you called some stuff I said as ignorant strings of words that make no sense and are only stupid.

I'm going to throw this back here.

HOW!?!!?!?

How the fuck would you EVEN KNOW?!? No... seriously. How in the name of God's Decent Hell would you even know whether somebody is decent at sex?

This is not something you can just look at somebody am be all, "well... they are all freaking awesome and stuff."

Which is where the metaphor needed to be played... as it is hard to speak about experiencing something in concrete clear terms and convey it in a way that is meaningful for those who have not had the experience.

I choose roofing, as terrible roofing is possible to imagine, even if you have not seen it. So as to take an experience, and to convey it via comparing it to anything experience that might be hard to not have--or not be able to imagine it.

Good at sex... however, is not something you can actually observe. Hell, it isn't really something you can figure out outside of actually trying the ride yourself. Even then, it doesn't mean you'll enjoy THAT PARTICULAR STYLE OF GOOD SEX. Maybe it is a different style of decent sex you'll enjoy.

you don't even have the decency to realize that you know nothing.

I do know you are acting crazy and irrational at the topic being broached.

Seriously... "attracted to people good at sex"? How? HOOOOOOOWWWWW?!? That is not something you can really look at and know. The logistics of this in my head just boggle how that would even work as a concept.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 20th, 2013 08:21 pm (UTC)
You are a lesbian pansexual
Also, I'm doing that thing where I split different points and lines of thought into seperate replies. You may virtually smack me for doing this... I consent to a virtual whap upside the head for this.

There is a saying, "two women is both the greatest dream and the greatest nightmare." Lesbian relationships are kind of like that. As you have to be in a loving relationship with yourself, and another woman on top of that. Women are more emotionally high maintenance than men because of estrogen. Men don't have the same range of emotional knowledge as they don't have as much of substance in their system that makes them an emotional wreck. The most testorone does is increase aggression, anger, sexual interest, desire to nurture/protect and competition... things that estrogen also does all of... but it also includes crying into the pillow, wanting to be held, forgetting compliments, forgetting PDAs, forgetting about affection and that voice that tells you "you really suck; here is the list of why".

Now this is where things get even weirder... you are attracted to women... but the emotional imprint of a woman, not the physical form. Which is closer to what pansexual is about... but it is more "pansexual/lesbian" mixture... which just stops making sense after a bit. Yes... it requires getting to know the person as you cannot just see what is needed for the pansexual side of the "pansexual/lesbian"... "I'm pansexual... but only for women."

This is why I just Web 2.0 tag what my interests are, and what I do not enjoy... it gets... less complicated. Your tag cloud would mostly be emotional and sensual traits to be present. Even then, from what I've observed... you pretty much are at an average level of, "need to give a shit about the person before they reveal their drawers"... and about the same level as most women out there.
fayanora
Jul. 22nd, 2013 01:43 am (UTC)
Re: You are a lesbian pansexual
First of all, Lilla and I are both bi-gendered, which kind of puts a monkey wrench to that.

Secondly, Lilla is more aligned toward the masculine than the feminine. Again, monkey wrench.

Third, you are making assumptions about hormones without even considering the "nature versus nurture" aspect of things.

you are attracted to women... but the emotional imprint of a woman, not the physical form.

I don't even know how to put the ignorance (or stupidity?) of this statement into words.

Which is closer to what pansexual is about

Proving you know absolutely nothing about pansexuality...

"I'm pansexual... but only for women."

Where the hell did you get THIS fucked up idea about me from?

Can you just, stop talking about this subject? First of all, even on things where you DO know what you're talking about, I rarely follow what you're saying because something about the way you write triggers all those processing blocks in my brain. In fact, this is the most sensible conversation I've ever heard from you. Usually I'm so lost talking with you that I don't even know how to begin responding.

Secondly, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Thirdly, you're pissing me off. And I think if we want to remain friends, we should both drop this subject, before I get so pissed off that I go into a rage.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 26th, 2013 03:59 am (UTC)
Drop something when somebody is pissed off at me?
... okay... no idea why you are getting pissed off here.

Either way... when somebody is pissed at me, I honestly am unable to leave it alone at that point. Sorry, until you are calm or have blocked me, I am locked into talking with you. Long story.

Issues from my past.

Didn't know the bigendered stuff. I don't act simply because I do not know... that would make it so I don't do anything.

As per this stuff... uh... I do know this stuff... obviously you don't

Pansexuality: being in love with the person's spirit to the point where their body no longer matters. Often confused with Omnisexual.

Omnisexual: being able to be turned on by all physical forms.

I don't even know how to put the ignorance (or stupidity?) of this statement into words.

Or... maybe it could be an informed view? You seem only interested in throwing insults now.

Where the hell did you get THIS fucked up idea about me from?

Because... you kind of stated it in the comments? You know, based on the shit you've said here?

First of all, even on things where you DO know what you're talking about, I rarely follow what you're saying because something about the way you write triggers all those processing blocks in my brain

... I'm not certain I understand... do you mean to state you don't have your brain running on full cylinders whenever it is possible?

The only time I don't is when pain, intoxication or environmental things interfere with it. I also dislike it when stuff interferes at thinking full cylinders.

Secondly, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Yes... I do.

Maybe if you'd stop telling yourself that, we can move forward here.

Now you've just locked up and are all pissed off, and throwing contradictions about.

Hell, even if I didn't know what I am talking about... even after this exchange I still wouldn't... and that prospect has me getting pissed off at the conversation.

Perhaps maybe let me know the definition of Pansexual you are working with... as well, I just searched Google... and my definition is correct. Not that this really means anything... it does interfere with people saying, "look it up, you are wrong"... as what I look up says I am right.

Thirdly, you're pissing me off. And I think if we want to remain friends, we should both drop this subject, before I get so pissed off that I go into a rage.

Now that I know you are pissed... I am emotionally unable to drop it.

It MUST be resolved... either in you getting all rage and us never talking again... or us talking it out.

There is no other option now... sorry for being useless.
katrinathelamia
Jul. 15th, 2013 01:34 pm (UTC)
On the sex play items
Considering other things I know about you, that I'm not entirely certain I am allowed to share...

It is kind of normal for you to have a hard time having sex via some manner that is not masturbatory. There is hormonal therapy that will have it so having a partner during that act will become a much nicer thing (and kind of something you demand to have as well).

As per the acts you described. I think Michelle gave me a terrible nightmare a couple decades ago, in which the practice of "foreplay" was described and demonstrated. I then fucked myself up, by believing this foreplay existed in the real world, and was not just part of Michelle fucking with my head via the Dreamscape.

You seem the sort that mutual masturbation would be a workable act... but also the person actually listening to you when you mention you body isn't one of them standard sex dolls, and has a few unique elements to it, that should be explored to really get you off.

In my case, I've given up on finding people who will believe me when I say I am not one of them standard sex dolls (clearly, that MUST be a lie, based on the reactions) and I've realised that "foreplay" was a really cruel nightmare of a joke by Michelle... but in my case my main thing is I need to have the session get past the five hour mark for it to really do anything for me.

If I dehydrate or get hungry before the five hours is up... then it is ruined. Just like if the partner passes out and goes limp. Sometimes I can get an extra half hour in, if I tell myself they are just in a fucked silly state from intense orgasm (which tends to be true)... but that tends to not be something I can continue for long.

Apart from my "two drink" requirement, I also kind of need a clue that the person will be able to not die from the gauntlet of sex I plan to throw them through.
lucretiasheart
Jul. 15th, 2013 08:39 pm (UTC)
There is definitely a wider range of sexualities than most people could ever imagine!
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