The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective


Before I got on Wellbutrin, I had this notion that I hadn't really talked about, that I may be demi-sexual. For those who don't know, demi-sexuality is a form of asexuality (or, as Lyria calls it, "unsexuality") that means I really only become sexually attracted to someone I have an emotional connection/attraction with/to. I've tried seeing if there was anyone at all I'd ever fantasized about that didn't fit that category. There may have been, back when I was a young teen, but I don't remember well enough to know for sure.

I wasn't sure this was true, though. Then I got on Wellbutrin and my libido went up. However, asexuality and its sub-sexualities run a gamut that can include masturbation, even frequent masturbation. And, well, then the other day I realized that the only real people I ever fantasize about when masturbating are people I know and have an emotional connection with. All my other fantasy subjects are either fictional or divine (like Djao'Kain). So it seems I was right after all: I am demi-sexual.

And yet, it's more complicated than that. There's a somewhat sexual feeling I sometimes get that I call "sexualized envy," wherein I see a beautiful woman, and wish I looked that good, and start wondering what sex with someone I loved would be like in a body like that. It is kind of a combo of aesthetics and lust, even though it's not that I want to necessarily have sex with that person.

Oh, and there's more. Though I do enjoy sex with some people, even with them it's like I don't really have a huge enthusiasm for it. Or at least, not for anything that looks like I imagine other people would do sex. Because mostly I just like naked cuddles, and the occasional playing/licking of certain body parts, like ears, nipples, and neck. And sometimes oral sex, like cunnilingus or fellatio, is cool. To perform, anyway. Having my "oversized clit" sucked doesn't really do anything for me. I appear to be FAR more romantic than sexual, and even that's not as strong as it used to be.

Furthermore, I appear to be autosexual, meaning I can't orgasm except by my own hand. I have never experienced an orgasm by any other means. I've come damn close a few times, but for some reason only masturbation gets me all the way.

Even odder are the times that I have an emotional/sexual attraction with someone, and then the sexual side of it just evaporates one day and never comes back, for no apparent reason, leaving just the emotional side of things intact. Something of the sort happened in regards to Brooke, I think.

There may be more, but Starbuck's is closing now. And I got the gist of it.

This was cross-posted from
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Tags: about me, asexuality, demisexuality, sexuality, thought of the day
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