?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. We're supposed to feel thankful for stuff. But to be honest, I can't think of anything. Well okay, I suppose I'm thankful that I have enough food to eat, and a place to sleep that's warm and dry. And I have friends, and activities to keep me busy. But it's not enough. The things that I can't feel thankful for kind of outweigh the good stuff.

I'm stuck in an apartment I haven't been able to afford to live in for over a year, bills are getting nearly impossible to manage, I have more debt than I think I can ever pay off, and because of my depression, I can't find the energy or state of mind to go looking for a cheaper place to live, if such an animal exists. It also keeps me from having the energy or drive to do my writing; not even poems. I also don't have the energy, most days, to do any chores I need to do. The few rituals I manage to do give me just enough energy to get through the days, or do some small chore if I'm really lucky. No matter what I'm doing, I feel like I'd rather be doing something else. When I sleep, I don't want to wake up, but if I sleep too long, I get more headaches than normal. When I wake up, half the days it takes me 15 minutes to decide what to eat because it takes that long to get enough of an appetite to actually make a decision.

I've been meaning to go to the clinic, take advantage of this expensive fucking Medicare shit to see about getting some anti-depressants, but I just find it so hard to get up early enough. I've even been unable to get up early enough to call the food bank for help.

What's worse, Ian - the head-mate to whom my ability to feel romantic love permanently bonded to for some reason - is never around, so I haven't had so much as a crush for months. Romantic love used to be a huge defining thing for me; I used to always have several crushes, fueling lots of poetry and art.

I feel like the depression is taking away everything that makes me who I am, and leaving this passionless shell behind. Fighting it just seems to speed up the process.

So how can I be really thankful for anything, when I feel so empty and hollow? The only passion I ever feel anymore is when one of us gets angry. Laughter helps me feel better for a short time, but it feels false, like some kind of drug that doesn't last more than a few minutes at a time.

God fucking dammit... there was a time, years ago, when I kept feeling highly angsty, driven to extremes of emotions by the tug-of-war between my passions and my depression. It was a roller-coaster ride, and I hated it. How could I have known that one day I would look back at those times with jealousy for my past self. When I was feeling both passion and despair at the same time, I was at least feeling something.

Happy frakking Thanksgiving everyone. Sorry for the downer post. I don't like talking about my depression on my blogs, I always worry I'll be percieved as attention-seeking, and I hate that because some people prattle on endlessly about their depression, and I usually assume those people are attention-seekers.

This was cross-posted from http://fayanora.dreamwidth.org/1121831.html
You can comment either here or there.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
bloodbeauty
Nov. 23rd, 2012 04:28 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
fayanora
Nov. 24th, 2012 01:13 am (UTC)
Thanks!
lucretiasheart
Nov. 24th, 2012 09:09 am (UTC)
THANK YOU for being honest about it. I just wrote something along these lines yesterday:
http://lucretiasheart.livejournal.com/908140.html

I don't think its reasonable to be GRATEFUL for simple survival and minimal comforts. Gratitude only makes sense when life is working for us, dammit!

Why is it okay to prattle on about anything and not be an attention seeker, but bring out some "downer" stuff and suddenly you're selfish?

FUCK THAT.

Its okay to speak your truth, even the darker truths. And I for one appreciate hearing it. I wish you weren't facing this-- but I do know what depression is like and if you have any support at all, don't be afraid to call on it. You didn't give it to yourself on purpose, after all, its an affliction that struck you down.
fayanora
Nov. 24th, 2012 10:03 am (UTC)
I don't think its reasonable to be GRATEFUL for simple survival and minimal comforts. Gratitude only makes sense when life is working for us, dammit!

Amen!

Why is it okay to prattle on about anything and not be an attention seeker, but bring out some "downer" stuff and suddenly you're selfish?

Dunno.

Its okay to speak your truth, even the darker truths. And I for one appreciate hearing it. I wish you weren't facing this-- but I do know what depression is like and if you have any support at all, don't be afraid to call on it. You didn't give it to yourself on purpose, after all, its an affliction that struck you down.

I do talk some about the physical effects, sleeping issues and so on.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

mourning
fayanora
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective
Fayanora's Web Site

Latest Month

August 2019
S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taichi Kaminogoya