The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

Odd worrying

(When I refer to these different parts of myself here in this entry, I am not talking in my usual context of multiplicity; I am talking in the context of parts of the whole collective that are within all of the different Faces.)

I don't often worry, but when I do worry, I do it oddly. If something comes up that is worrisome to me, and so start to worry, I will then shut it down because worry is a waste of energy and a part of me is of the belief that worrying about something will make it more likely to happen. But then, when I do this, there is interference from another part of myself that is of the belief that NOT worrying about worrisome things is bad; that part of me believes that worrying is actually a form of magick that banishes the worrisome thing. IE, when Brooke is taking too long to respond to a text message (she usually responds within minutes), I start to worry she's died. I try to shut that worry down, and the other part of me begins to worry that if we don't worry about the possibility of Brooke dying, that we will cause it to happen by not worrying. So it worries against my better judgment, until such time as I have evidence the worrisome thing is gone, as with evidence Brooke is still alive and well.

It's a habit that goes back to my childhood. I used to occasionally start worrying that the school would explode or something, and part of my superstition (as I would have called it at the time) was that by imagining the whole destructive scene in detail, that I would actually push away the probability of it happening. (And I still have a powerful imagination; I have long been able to imagine things in very realistic terms; my brain has seemingly always had an innate, instinctual understanding of the physics of this world, because the level of detail in such imaginary moving models has always astounded me. I remember the first time I realized how peculiar this was; at the time, I was watching purely imaginary water flow through a creek and down a small waterfall into a pool. I could see all the ripples in the water, their different shapes as determined by the rocks and movements of the water, the reflections, even the way the water jumped and sloshed around while falling down into the pool, as well as the eddies in the pool that resulted. Everything I imagine - when I can decide what it looks like - has that same level of realism, like I'm not actually imagining it, just playing a very high-definition recording of it. This could account, in part, for the occasional hyper-realistic dreams I have.)

It happened in other ways, as well; you know the old superstition "Step on a crack, break your mother's back"? Well... I wasn't often superstitious, but I would randomly suddenly begin to be superstitious or worrisome at times (more evidence of my multiplicity!), and when I was a kid, I misinterpreted that superstition as referring to the seams between pieces of sidewalk, as well as actual cracks. So when I was in one of those moods, I would take forever to walk anywhere, since I was avoiding every seam. What was worse were tiled floors. Wood floors didn't bother me, thankfully; they would have been impossible. But any floor with tiles large enough to have a whole foot in one, would be very problematic in those times I became superstitious.

Then there were the times when the superstition would flip; as powerfully true as I had once believed the above superstition, I would suddenly just as powerfully believe that NOT stepping on cracks/seams would cause the horrible thing to happen.

Speaking of tiled floors and such, whenever I see patterns of black and white tiles set on their corners (so that four of them create a diamond where the right and left tiles are either both black or both white, and the top/bottom ones are both the opposite color), I would always see those as a face. Or, in some cases, as Spider Man's mask.

Anyway, don't know why I thought of all this, but had to share.

This was cross-posted from
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Tags: about me, anxiety, depression, issues
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