The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective (fayanora) wrote,
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

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I need more spoons, so to speak.

Depression has a physical effect on me, and I never really realized it until I got to Portland. Of course, it's been one thing or another since moving here, adding to my stress level. Then I spent a few years sinking deeper and deeper into depression, nearly drowning in it. All that kept me going was my strength, and my faith, and Shao'Kehn. But about a year and a half after getting on SSDI, I still haven't recovered from that low point. It's like I grabbed onto a piece of driftwood, and there I float now, still in trouble but no longer drowning.

So I became aware of the spoon theory from online friends. And it is true of me, with my depression. Just going out to do stuff will leave me tired when I get home. Doing household chores used up too many spoons even when I was young. My parents used to think it was laziness, but it wasn't. Doing any kind of chore grates on my soul like running a cheese grater over my flesh, and drains me of energy. Any chore I do requires frequent breaks, and always has. And even then, just the thought of going through all that exhaustion is exhausting, meaning I often skip chores, sometimes leaving them to the point where I can't leave them anymore. And some other difficult tasks, like combing the detached hairs and tangles out of my hair, take more 'spoons' than doing dishes. (My hair has always grown so thick that, back when I was still getting haircuts, they had to use thinning shears on it.)

The dishes are currently on backlog, for that reason. But the other day, I managed to do my laundry and take out recyclables. The fresh air, which was cool but not too badly so, helped. Laundry and recyclables... sounds like such a simple task. But it was all I had the 'spoons' to do that day. And that much took some extra self-prodding to do. (Part of the difficulty was there were so many recyclables strewn about that I had to use the grabber tool to get at them all, and it took four trips to take them out there. Plus, the cardboard box stuff has to be flattened, and very few of the boxes for recycling were flat. That part of it is a major pain.) And that was on a *good* day, a day where I woke up without any pain or stiffness.

Now hopefully tomorrow I can do at least part of the dishes. Hopefully there will be no pain.

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Tags: body issues, depression, issues
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