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EDIT: If you are not on my friendslist, please do not reply to this. I'm getting tired of being inundated by comments from people I don't know.

Ganked from christinathena =

This is awesome. Craigslist posting "to the straight guy at the party last night"

Since Craigslist postings tend to be impermanent, I'll cut and paste:

A mutual friend of ours threw a big party for her 30th birthday, tons of people were there and it was a lot of fun. Somewhere along the line you and I ended up on the balcony for some fresh air at the same time. We started chatting; we talked about sports, books, tv – discovered we both are about to start our masters degrees and spent some time debating the pro’s and con’s of the educational system. We talked about hanging out sometime, and you wanted to meet my girlfriend.

I understand how upsetting it was for you when I blinked mildly in surprise and said I was here with my husband. I know it was a shock to your system, if your face had turned any paler I might have called 911. You made a good recovery though - that hurried mutter of “I’m not like that” was very polite and you only knocked over two drinks and one vase in your hurry to rush to anywhere other than near me. I can’t blame you – I forgot how delicate you straight boys are. So I wanted to give you a few helpful hints about where you went wrong last night.

1) As a general rule we don’t walk around with big signs around our neck proclaiming our sexuality. No scarlet letters, no scent of hellfire and brimstone… sorry about that.

2) We do not generally assume that everyone within 5 feet of us must also be homosexual – it was nice of you to immediately reassure me that you are hetero, but it was really unnecessary.

3) Homosexuality is not infectious. While I am sure you meant no disrespect with your hasty departure; in the future you can rest assured that taking a few extra seconds in your mad dash for safety will not result in you being turned gay. It will however keep you from destroying expensive vases and knocking over senior citizens.

4) This next one may come as a surprise; but you are not, in fact, irresistible. The fact that you have a dick does not instantly turn me into a bundle of uncontrolled lust. Contrary to popular opinion, being in the same room with a straight man does not cause a gay man to instantly lose all common sense and basic common courtesy. Though I am not so sure about the reverse.

5) Homosexuals in general get a little irked when people treat us like some sort of leper. Rushing to another mutual friend of ours and advising him of my sexuality, so he could be “forewarned” was really uncalled for.

6) Upon being told (by said mutual friend) to stop being an idiot and that you were not my type anyway… it generally confuses the issue when you then proceed to become upset that I DON’T find you attractive. Three seconds ago you were running through a crowd of people with your hands cupped protectively over your junk as if I might attack you at any moment with a blowjob. See hint number 4.

7) We homosexuals have an odd sense of humor – I can’t help that. Something about watching you freak out as if all the demons of hell were after you just struck me as vastly amusing.

8) While being pissed at me for dissolving into uncontrollable laughter might be understandable… gathering a couple guys together to “teach the fag a lesson” is not.

9) You might also want to drink a little less and be a little more careful about the guys you approach for your little proto-hate-mob.

10) Assuming the two tall muscle-bound bruisers must be uber-hetero and just as appalled by my presence as you was your first mistake. It was an understandable one though. How were you to know that pflag tshirt the first guy was wearing wasn’t a sports team? Also the rainbow ring the second guy was wearing could have meant anything I am sure.

11) In retrospect I suppose that upon hearing your not very subtle hate-talk and seeing who you were heading for; I could have said something instead of just laughing harder. I apologize for that. I should have just introduced you to my husband instead of letting you walk up to him and ask him if he wanted to help you teach “that fag over there” a lesson. I hope that broken nose heals up cleanly.

Comments

( 88 comments — Leave a comment )
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wizwom
Jun. 20th, 2010 02:58 pm (UTC)
The bullet points just get better point by point. Hilarious.
lokicarbis
Jun. 20th, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
It's been too long since I had a good spot of freaking out the mundanes... thanks for reminding me what I've been missing :)
kendokamel
Jun. 20th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC)
Hehehe
idemandjustice
Jun. 20th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC)
That's pretty awesome.

I was just thinking, of course these types of straight men assume every gay man is attracted to them. They also assume it of women, gay or straight.
sayuri2023
Jun. 20th, 2010 08:14 pm (UTC)
No. 11 ruled.. I had to read it twice :)
mimiheart
Jun. 20th, 2010 08:16 pm (UTC)
Waaaay too funny.
(Deleted comment)
kimerastorm
Jun. 20th, 2010 08:29 pm (UTC)
Love it, love it, LOVE IT!

I am so stealing this for my journal and fb.
tatgoat
Jun. 20th, 2010 08:47 pm (UTC)
I laughed my head out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
labouring_ships
Jun. 20th, 2010 09:08 pm (UTC)
This just kept getting funnier! Thanks for posting!
kathleen44
Jun. 20th, 2010 09:08 pm (UTC)
*I hope that broken nose heals up cleanly.* serves him right, ha ha.
I just couldn't understand this *“teach the fag a lesson”* straight-men attitude, and I despise it immensely. Earlier they get on well with each other. Why did suddenly change everything the fact that one of them was homosexual? *shakes head*
clashfan
Jun. 20th, 2010 09:25 pm (UTC)
Y'know, I think this is fiction. Hilarious, and worth a read, but fiction. Heavily exaggerated, at best.
lydia_petze
Jun. 25th, 2010 12:34 pm (UTC)
I was thinking the same thing - it's a little too perfect to be real. Funny, though.
hogwartshoney
Jun. 20th, 2010 09:37 pm (UTC)
Found this via slashpervert's post.
Classic
vvvexation
Jun. 20th, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
Awesome post, but the fact that it was flagged for removal makes me very sad.
dacian_goddess
Jun. 20th, 2010 10:03 pm (UTC)
lol That's too awesome a write-up. Gets better and better with each new point.
tarajw
Jun. 20th, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC)
Haaaahahahahaha! Omg. Idiots.
sagewisdom
Jun. 20th, 2010 10:39 pm (UTC)
that is awesome :D
kc_anathema
Jun. 20th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
Oh hell yes. It just gains more win as it goes on.
suzycat
Jun. 20th, 2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
Oh man, it starts so funny and then gets really horrid. It is easy for people like me to forget that this shit does actually happen to queer people. People need to grow up.
amarissia
Jun. 21st, 2010 12:08 am (UTC)
Brilliant, just brilliant.
(Deleted comment)
kores_rabbit
Jun. 21st, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
Fantastic! Thanks for posting this.
cha
Jun. 21st, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)
that was priceless!
severely_lupine
Jun. 21st, 2010 02:40 am (UTC)
I can't help but assume this is just making a point and not actually based on an actual event. It was plausible enough at first, but it really lost its believability at point 8.
crossbow1
Jun. 21st, 2010 03:17 am (UTC)
LOLOLOL! It probably never happened, but I hope it did.
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( 88 comments — Leave a comment )

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